“The people who are meant to be in your life will not make you feel like you have to beg for a seat at their table.”
Listen, sis. Let’s talk about something nobody warned you about: your friendships are going to change. And honestly? That is not a bad thing.
You are probably scrolling through your camera roll right now and noticing something. That group chat that used to blow up 500 times a day? Quiet. The friend you used to call about everything? You have not talked in three weeks. And you are sitting there wondering, “What did I do wrong?”
Girl, you did not do anything wrong. You grew. And here is the truth that nobody tells you: your friendships are supposed to shift as you do. If they stayed exactly the same, that would actually mean you are stuck.
Why Your Friend Group Gets Smaller as You Grow
Here is the thing about friendships that nobody teaches you in high school or college: they are not meant to be permanent just because you shared a locker or a dorm room. People change. You change. And the version of you at 16 is not the same woman at 22 or 25.
That is not sad. That is growth. But it feels lonely as hell when you are in the middle of it.
I remember sitting in my apartment sophomore year of college, looking at my phone, and realizing I had like three people I actually wanted to talk to. And I felt so guilty about it. Like I was failing at being a good friend because I did not have the energy for everyone anymore.
But here is what I learned: quality over quantity is not just a cute quote for your Pinterest board. It is survival. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot maintain 20 deep friendships while you are trying to figure out your tuition, your career, your mental health, and whether you are even on the right path.
The average person loses 50% of their friendships every 7 years. Yeah, let that sink in.
That stat is wild, right? But it makes sense. Think about who you were seven years ago. You were probably in middle school or early high school. You were a completely different person. So why would you still have the same friendships?
The friends you outgrow are not bad people. They are just not your people anymore. And that is okay.
The Real Reason Friendships Fade (It Is Not What You Think)
Here is the part that hurts the most: sometimes friendships end not because of a fight or drama. They just quietly dissolve. And that silence feels worse than a blow-up sometimes.
But let me tell you why that happens. It is not because you are unlovable or because you did something wrong. It is because your life priorities shifted. Maybe you started taking your career seriously. Maybe you stopped drinking every weekend. Maybe you started therapy and realized you do not have to tolerate people who drain you.
And when you change, the people who are comfortable in their old patterns will feel threatened. Not because of anything you did, but because your growth makes them uncomfortable with their own stagnation.
💡 Quick Tip
If you are feeling lonely after losing friendships, try this: text one person you genuinely vibe with and say, “Hey, I was thinking about you. How have you been?” Do not overthink it. The right people will match your energy.
I want you to think about your current friendships for a second. Be honest with yourself. How many of those people actually make you feel seen, heard, and supported? And how many are just… there because you have history?
History is not the same as connection. You can love someone and still outgrow them. That is not betrayal. That is life.
How to Know If a Friendship Is Worth Keeping
Okay, so how do you figure out which friendships to hold onto and which ones to let go of? I am going to give you a simple framework that changed everything for me.
Ask yourself three questions about each friendship:
1. Do they celebrate your wins? If you share good news and they respond with a dry “cool” or change the subject, that is a red flag. Real friends hype you up. They do not compete with you.
2. Do they show up when things get hard? It is easy to be friends when everything is fun. But when you are going through it, who actually checks on you? Who sends that text that says, “I am here if you need to talk”? Those are the keepers.
3. Do you feel drained or energized after hanging out? This one is huge. Pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with someone. If you feel exhausted, anxious, or smaller, that friendship is not serving you. If you feel lighter, that is a sign it is worth investing in.
💊 What Works: The Set Boundaries Workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab – This book will literally teach you how to protect your energy and let go of friendships that are not healthy for you. It is like having a therapist in your bag.
What Actually Works to Build Friendships That Last
Okay, so you have let go of the friendships that were draining you. Now what? How do you actually build a circle that grows with you instead of against you?
First, stop looking for a big group. The whole “squad goals” thing is a trap. You do not need 10 best friends. You need two or three people who genuinely get you and show up consistently.
Second, be the kind of friend you want to attract. If you want people who are ambitious, supportive, and emotionally mature, you have to show up that way too. You cannot complain about having shallow friendships if you are only talking about surface-level stuff.
Third, put yourself in rooms where your people actually hang out. If you are into personal growth, go to events, join online communities, take classes. You will not find your people sitting in your apartment scrolling TikTok every night.
Why This Works:
✅ You stop wasting energy on people who do not match your vibe
✅ You attract friendships that actually support your growth
✅ You stop feeling lonely because you have quality over quantity
I know it feels scary to let go of friendships, especially if you have known someone for years. But I need you to hear this: holding onto a friendship out of guilt or obligation is not loyalty. It is settling. And you deserve friendships that feel easy, not like a chore.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Friendships After College
Here is the thing nobody prepares you for: after college, friendships take actual effort. You are not living down the hall from each other anymore. You do not have class together. You have to intentionally make time for each other, and that is hard when you are working, paying bills, and trying to keep your life together.
But here is the flip side: the friendships that survive that transition are the real ones. The people who still text you even though you live in different cities. The ones who call you on your birthday without a Facebook reminder. The ones who drive two hours just to have coffee with you for an hour.
Those friendships? They are worth fighting for. And they do not require daily contact. They just require consistency and care.
“The friendships that survive your growth are the ones that were never threatened by it in the first place.”
I want you to stop worrying about how many friends you have and start focusing on the quality of your friendships. One person who truly sees you is worth more than 50 people who only know your surface.
And listen, if you are reading this and feeling like you do not have any close friends right now, that is okay too. There are seasons of life where you are alone, and those seasons are not punishments. They are opportunities to get to know yourself. To figure out what you actually want in friendships. To become the kind of person who attracts the right people.
You are not behind. You are not broken. You are just in a transition, and transitions always feel uncomfortable before they feel right.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
Start Here
I want you to do one thing today. Just one. Open your phone and look at your recent messages. Pick one person who you have been meaning to check in on but have not. Send them a text. It does not have to be deep. Just something like, “Hey, I was thinking about you. Hope you are doing okay.”
That one text could be the start of a friendship that lasts years. Or it could just be a nice moment. Either way, you showed up. And that is all you can do.
Your Friendship Reset Checklist:
✅ Audit your current friendships using the three questions above
✅ Let go of one friendship that drains you (you do not have to announce it, just pull back)
✅ Reach out to one person you want to invest in
✅ Join one space where you can meet like-minded women (hint: TechMae is a good start)
You might also love this article – one of our most shared.
And remember, sis: the friendships that are meant for you will not make you feel like you have to shrink yourself to keep them. The right people will love you for who you are becoming, not just who you used to be.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. Come find your people.
