Friendships: What I Would Tell My Younger Self

Girl, let me tell you something I wish someone had sat me down and said when I was 19 and sobbing over a friendship breakup that felt like a divorce. Your friendships are not supposed to all look the same, last the same amount of time, or serve the same purpose. And honestly? The sooner you accept that, the less heartache you will carry around.

I remember sitting in my dorm room sophomore year, staring at my phone, wondering why my best friend from high school felt like a stranger now. We used to talk every single day. We planned our futures together. And suddenly? Silence. Awkward texts. “We should catch up soon” energy. I thought I did something wrong. I thought I was a bad friend. But here is the truth: we were just in different seasons. And that is okay.

You are growing. You are changing. Your life is shifting — new city, new major, new job, new stressors. And the friends who fit your life at 16 might not fit your life at 22. That is not a failure. That is not a betrayal. That is called evolving. And you are allowed to do that without guilt.

Why Do We Feel So Guilty About Outgrowing Friendships?

Okay, let’s get real for a second. You have probably felt that pit in your stomach when you realize you do not really want to hang out with someone anymore. Or when you see their name pop up and you feel dread instead of excitement. And then the guilt hits. “I am a bad person.” “They have been there for me.” “What if they need me?”

Listen, sis. That guilt is programmed into us. From the time we are little girls, we are told that friendships are forever. That a best friend is for life. That if you drift apart, it means something is wrong with you. But here is what nobody tells you: friendships are not a lifetime contract. They are not a marriage. They are not a binding legal document. They are connections between two people who are both changing every single day.

And sometimes? You change in different directions. One of you is partying every weekend and the other is grinding through nursing school. One of you just got engaged and the other is still figuring out how to pay rent. One of you is dealing with family trauma and the other cannot relate. That does not mean anyone is bad. It just means the season is over.

The Different Types of Friendships You Actually Need

Here is something I learned way too late: you do not need one person to be everything. That is not how healthy friendships work. That is how codependency starts. You need a squad, not a single savior. And that squad is going to look different depending on what season you are in.

Think about it like this. You have the friend you call when you are crying in the bathroom at a party — she will come get you, no questions asked. You have the friend who will proofread your resume at 11 PM and tell you the truth about that typo. You have the friend who will go thrifting with you and hype you up in the dressing room. You have the friend who gets your family drama because she lives through the same chaos. And you have the friend who is just fun — no deep talks, no heavy stuff, just laughing until your stomach hurts.

All of these are valid. All of these matter. And none of them have to be the same person.

The Friend You Need for Every Season

Let me break this down for you with some real examples. Because I know you are sitting there wondering if you are the problem. You are not. Here is what your friendships squad could look like depending on what you are going through right now.

The Season You Are In	The Friend You Need
❌ College applications / first job hunt	✅ The ambitious one who is also grinding. No jealousy. Just mutual hustle.
❌ Heartbreak / breakup recovery	✅ The one who will bring food, watch sad movies, and not tell you to “just get over it.”
❌ Family drama / home stress	✅ The one who gets it because her family is also chaotic. No judgment, just solidarity.
❌ Trying new things / exploring yourself	✅ The adventurous one who says yes to everything and drags you along.
❌ Financial stress / money anxiety	✅ The one who also budgets and will trade cheap dinner recipes with you.

See what I mean? You do not need the same friend for every single thing. And expecting one person to be your everything is actually a recipe for disappointment. Because no human being can be your therapist, your cheerleader, your party buddy, your study partner, your emotional support system, and your ride-or-die all at once. That is too much pressure on anyone.

How to Know When It Is Time to Let a Friendship Go

This is the hard part, sis. Because letting go hurts. Even when you know it is the right thing. Even when the friendship has been dead for months. Even when you are the one who stopped showing up. It still stings.

But here are some signs that it is time to release that friendship — not with drama, not with a fight, just with grace.

One: You feel drained after every interaction. Not every conversation has to be uplifting, but if every single time you talk to her you feel worse about yourself, that is not a friendship. That is an energy vampire. And you do not have to keep feeding her.

Two: You are the only one putting in effort. You text first. You plan the hangouts. You check in. And she barely responds or always has an excuse. If you stop reaching out and the friendship dies, it was already dead. You were just the one doing CPR.

Three: You have outgrown the version of you that she knew. This one is subtle but real. You have changed. Your values have shifted. The things you used to bond over no longer feel aligned. And that is okay. You are not the same person you were at 16. You are not supposed to be.

Four: There is jealousy or competition. If she cannot celebrate your wins without making it about herself, or if you feel like you have to hide your successes to protect her feelings, that is not a friendship. That is a rivalry. And you do not have time for that energy.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Friendships and Seasons

Here is the insider scoop that nobody is going to give you in a graduation speech or a self-help book. Not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some are meant to last a season. And that season can be a week, a month, a year, or five years. But when it is over, it is over. And pretending it is not over just makes both of you miserable.

I had a friend in college who was literally my person for two years. We did everything together. We studied together, cried together, went to parties together, ate ramen at 2 AM together. And then senior year hit, and we just… drifted. Not because of a fight. Not because of drama. Just because we were becoming different people. She was going to grad school across the country. I was starting a business. And the things we had in common no longer existed. We tried to force it for a few months, and it just felt awkward and forced. Like wearing shoes that used to fit but now pinch your toes.

So we let go. Not with a fight. Not with a dramatic text. Just with a quiet, mutual understanding that we loved each other, but we were done. And you know what? A few years later, we reconnected. And now we are friends again — different friends, in a different season. But that only happened because we let the old season end.

You cannot hold onto a dead friendship and expect it to come back to life. You have to let it die so something new can grow.

How to Make New Friendships When You Are in a New Season

Okay, so you have accepted that some friendships are ending or fading. But now you are sitting there wondering, “How do I even make new friends? I am out of college. I work from home. I do not know where to start.”

Girl, I hear you. Making friends as an adult is genuinely awkward. It feels like dating but without the romance. You have to put yourself out there, face rejection, and hope someone wants to hang out with you. It is vulnerable and uncomfortable. But here is the thing: everyone around you is also lonely and also wants friends. You just have to be the one to make the first move.

Here are some real, actionable ways to find new friendships in a new season:

Join something consistent. Not a one-time event. Something that happens every week. A yoga class. A book club. A running group. A volunteer shift. Consistency builds familiarity, and familiarity builds friendships. You cannot build a connection with someone you see once and never again.

Use apps like Bumble BFF. I know it feels weird, but so many women are using it now. It is literally a friend-finding app. You match with people who are also looking for friendships. You chat, you meet for coffee, and you see if there is a vibe. It is not desperate. It is smart.

Say yes more. When someone invites you to something, even if you are tired, even if you are anxious, say yes. The more you show up, the more you become part of the group. And the more you say no, the more you isolate yourself.

Be the initiator. Do not wait for people to invite you. Invite them. “Hey, I am grabbing coffee at this cute spot on Saturday, want to come?” That is all it takes. Most people are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Be that person.

What About the Friendships That Are Worth Fighting For?

Now, I do not want you to think I am saying you should just drop everyone the second things get hard. Some friendships are worth fighting for. Some friendships go through rough patches and come out stronger on the other side. The key is knowing the difference between a friendship that is in a rough season and a friendship that has run its course.

A friendship worth fighting for is one where both people are willing to communicate, apologize, and grow. If you have a conflict and she is open to talking about it, that is a green flag. If you bring up something that hurt you and she gets defensive, blames you, or dismisses your feelings, that is a red flag.

A friendship worth fighting for is one where you genuinely like each other, even when you are mad. Where you miss her when she is gone. Where you want to see her win. Where you feel safe being yourself, even the messy parts.

But a friendship that is just habit? Where you hang out because you always have, but there is no real connection anymore? That is not worth fighting for. That is just fear of being alone. And you are too valuable to stay in a friendship out of obligation.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.

Start Here: One Thing You Can Do Today

I want you to do something right now. Open your phone and look at your recent texts. Look at the friends you have been talking to. Ask yourself honestly: which of these friendships are filling your cup, and which ones are draining it?

Make a list in your notes app. Three columns: “Nourishing,” “Neutral,” and “Draining.” Be honest. No guilt. No judgment. Just facts.

Then, for the draining ones, ask yourself: is this a season that will pass, or is this friendship done? If it is done, give yourself permission to let it go. You do not have to send a dramatic text. You do not have to announce it. You can just quietly stop investing. Let it fade naturally. That is not cruel. That is honest.

And for the nourishing ones? Double down. Text her right now. Tell her you appreciate her. Plan something. Do not let those friendships die from neglect. The good ones deserve your energy.

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