“You don’t heal in a straight line. You heal in circles, in spirals, in moments of two steps forward and one step back. And that is not failure — that is the actual shape of becoming whole.”
Let me tell you something that nobody told me when I was 19 and sobbing on my dorm room floor because I thought I was broken: healing is not a straight line. It is not a checklist. It is not a 30-day challenge you crush and then move on from forever. And if you have been beating yourself up because you thought you were “over it” and then something triggered you all over again? Girl, I need you to read every single word of this.
You are not failing at healing. You are just doing it the way humans actually do it — messy, inconsistent, and real. And I am going to show you why that is okay, what the research actually says, and what you can do when you feel like you are back at square one.
Why Does Healing Feel So All Over The Place?
Here is the thing nobody explains to us. We grow up thinking that if we just “work on ourselves” hard enough, we will eventually arrive at some destination called “healed.” Like it is a final boss you defeat and then you never have to deal with that pain again. But that is not how the brain works. That is not how trauma works. That is not how being a human woman in this world works.
Your brain processes emotional pain the same way it processes physical pain. When you cut your hand, it does not heal overnight. It scabs, it itches, it hurts again if you bump it. Sometimes the scar stays sensitive for years. Emotional healing works exactly the same way — except we do not give ourselves the same grace we would give a physical wound.
💡 Quick Tip
Next time you feel like you are “backsliding” in your healing, ask yourself: “Would I tell my best friend she was failing if she felt this way?” The answer is almost always no. So why are you saying it to yourself?
Think about the last time you went through something hard. Maybe it was a breakup that wrecked you. Maybe it was a friendship that ended badly. Maybe it was family stuff that you are still untangling. You probably had days where you felt amazing — like you finally figured it out, like you were over it, like the sun was shining again. And then something small happened. A song. A smell. A random Tuesday. And suddenly you were right back in that feeling.
That is not regression. That is your nervous system doing exactly what it is designed to do — protecting you, processing, integrating. The problem is that we have been sold a lie that healing should feel good all the time. That if you are still hurting, you must be doing it wrong.
Research shows that 70% of people who experience emotional healing report feeling worse before they feel better. That is not a bug. That is the process.
Yeah, that stat is real. Let that sink in for a second. Seven out of ten people feel like they are getting worse before they get better. And yet we sit alone in our rooms thinking we are the only ones who cannot get it together. The reality is that healing often requires you to actually feel the things you have been avoiding. And that is uncomfortable. That is supposed to be uncomfortable.
The Real Reason You Feel Stuck In Your Healing
Okay, let me get specific about why this happens, especially for women in our age range. You are in this pressure cooker of a life stage. You are trying to figure out your career, your relationships, your body, your money, your future — all while social media shows you 20-year-olds who look like they have it all together. And then you add healing on top of that? It feels like you are supposed to be perfect at everything all at once.
But here is what is actually happening when you feel stuck in your healing. Most of the time, it is not that you are not healing. It is that you are expecting yourself to heal faster than your brain can physically process. Your brain needs time to rewire neural pathways. It needs time to integrate new experiences. It needs time to feel safe enough to let go of old survival mechanisms.
💊 What Works: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – This book literally changed how I understand my own healing. It explains why your body stores trauma and why “just thinking positive” is not enough. It is dense, but the chapter on how healing actually works in the brain is worth the whole book.
Another thing that keeps women stuck? We tend to measure our healing by how we feel in the moment. And feelings are temporary. They are weather patterns. They pass. Just because you had a bad day does not mean your healing is broken. It means you had a bad day. That is it.
I remember when I was going through a really rough patch in college — dealing with some stuff from my past that I thought I had already dealt with. I remember crying in my car in the parking lot of a Target because a song came on the radio. And I sat there thinking, “I have been working on this for months. Why am I still crying in a Target parking lot?” But the truth is, that cry was part of my healing. It was not a setback. It was a release.
What Actually Works When Healing Feels Impossible
So let me give you some real, practical things you can do when you feel like your healing is going backwards. Because I am not here to just tell you “it gets better” and leave you hanging. I want you to have tools.
First, you need to stop measuring your healing by how you feel and start measuring it by how you respond. Here is the difference: Feeling sad is not a sign that you are not healing. But if you used to spiral into a week-long depression when you felt sad, and now you feel sad for an afternoon and then you call a friend or go for a walk? That is healing. That is progress. You just missed it because you were looking for the wrong thing.
Why This Works:
✅ Shifts focus from feelings to actions – You can control what you do, even when you cannot control how you feel
✅ Makes progress visible – When you track responses instead of emotions, you actually see how far you have come
✅ Reduces shame – You stop punishing yourself for having human emotions and start celebrating your growth
Second, you need to create what I call “healing anchors.” These are small, consistent things you do that remind your nervous system that you are safe now. It could be a specific playlist you listen to when you feel triggered. It could be a breathing exercise you do every morning. It could be a journal prompt you use when you feel the old feelings coming up. The key is consistency. Your brain learns safety through repetition.
Third, and this is the one nobody talks about: you need to accept that some parts of your healing might take years. And that is okay. I know that sounds scary, but actually, it is freeing. Because once you stop putting a timeline on your healing, you stop rushing yourself. You stop adding the pressure of “I should be over this by now.” You just let yourself be where you are.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Healing
Here is the realest thing I can tell you. Healing is not about becoming a person who never hurts again. Healing is about becoming a person who knows how to hold her own pain. It is about building the capacity to feel hard things without falling apart. It is about learning that you can survive your own emotions.
And the other truth? You are never going to be “done” healing. Because life keeps happening. You are going to experience new things that bring up old stuff. You are going to grow into new versions of yourself that need to heal in different ways. That is not failure. That is being alive.
“The goal of healing is not to become someone who never hurts. The goal is to become someone who knows exactly what to do with herself when she does.”
I want you to think about this the way you think about physical fitness. Nobody goes to the gym for six months and says, “Okay, I am done being fit forever.” You maintain it. You have off weeks. You come back. You adjust. Healing is the same. It is a practice, not a destination.
And I know you have probably heard people say “healing is not linear” before. But let me tell you what that actually looks like in real life. It looks like having a great week where you feel strong and grounded, and then having a Tuesday where you cry in the shower for no reason. It looks like forgiving someone and then feeling angry again three months later. It looks like thinking you are over your ex and then seeing a photo and feeling your chest tighten. It looks like being proud of how far you have come and still wishing you were further.
That is not a sign that you are broken. That is a sign that you are human. That is a sign that you are doing the work. And the fact that you are even reading this, looking for answers, trying to understand yourself better? That is proof that you are already healing. You just cannot see it yet because you are too close to it.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
Start Here: One Thing You Can Do Today
I am going to give you one actionable thing to do today. Not a whole system. Not a 30-day challenge. Just one thing.
Get a piece of paper or open a note on your phone. Write down three moments from the past month where you handled something better than you would have a year ago. They can be tiny. Maybe you did not yell at your roommate when she left her dishes in the sink. Maybe you actually asked for help instead of pretending you were fine. Maybe you let yourself cry instead of numbing out on TikTok. Write them down. Read them out loud to yourself.
That is your healing. It has been happening this whole time. You just were not looking for it in the right places.
Why This Works:
✅ Shifts your brain’s focus – Your brain has a negativity bias, so you have to intentionally train it to see progress
✅ Builds evidence – When you have proof that you are growing, it is harder to believe the lie that you are stuck
✅ Creates momentum – Small wins lead to bigger wins. That is how healing actually compounds.
You might also love this article – one of our most shared.
And listen, I know some days are harder than others. I know there are mornings where getting out of bed feels like a victory. I know there are nights where you lie awake wondering if you will ever feel okay. I have been there. So many of us have been there. And the thing I want you to hold onto is this: you are not behind. You are not broken. You are not doing this wrong.
You are exactly where you need to be. And the fact that you are still here, still trying, still showing up for yourself? That is the most powerful thing you can do. That is healing. Right there. In all its messy, non-linear, beautiful reality.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. Come find your people — the ones who get it, who will sit with you in the hard parts, and who will remind you of how far you have come when you forget.
