Forgiveness Secrets Women Share Behind Closed Doors

Sis, let’s talk about something that got twisted somewhere along the way. You have been told your whole life that forgiveness means being the bigger person, swallowing your pride, and letting people back in like nothing happened. That is a lie, and I need you to hear me on this.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what they did to you. It does not mean giving them another chance to break you. And it sure as hell does not mean you have to keep letting them take up space in your life. Real forgiveness is about you — your peace, your healing, your ability to move forward without carrying that weight around anymore.

I remember sitting in my dorm room sophomore year, staring at my phone, trying to decide if I should text my ex back. He had cheated, lied about it, and then had the audacity to say I was “too sensitive.” Everyone kept telling me to forgive him because “people make mistakes.” But here is the thing nobody told me — forgiving him did not mean I had to let him back into my life. It meant I had to let go of the anger so I could actually sleep at night without replaying every text exchange in my head.

Why Your Definition of Forgiveness Is Keeping You Stuck

Here is what I see happening with so many of you. You are walking around with this weight on your chest because you think forgiveness requires you to reconcile. You think if you forgive your roommate for stealing your clothes, you have to be best friends again. You think if you forgive your parents for the stuff they put you through, you have to pretend it never happened. You think if you forgive yourself for that mistake freshman year, you have to stop feeling guilty about it.

None of that is true. And holding onto that misunderstanding is actually making everything worse.

According to research from the American Psychological Association, people who practice forgiveness without proper boundaries actually experience higher levels of anxiety and depression. Yeah, that is wild, right? Let that sink in. You can literally make yourself sicker by forcing forgiveness the wrong way. The study found that when forgiveness is used as a way to avoid conflict or people-please, it backfires completely. You end up resentful, exhausted, and honestly — more angry than before.

Think about your real life right now. Maybe there is a friend who always talks over you, dismisses your feelings, and then gets mad when you pull away. Maybe it is a family member who brings up your failures at every holiday dinner. Maybe it is an ex who still has access to your social media and your brain space. You have been told to forgive them, so you keep giving them chances, and every time you do, a little piece of you shrinks.

That is not forgiveness. That is self-abandonment. And I need you to see the difference because it will change everything.

The Real Definition of Forgiveness That Nobody Taught You

Let me break this down for you in a way that actually makes sense. Forgiveness is an internal process. It is something you do for yourself, not for them. Think of it like this — when you hold onto resentment, you are the one drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. They are out living their life, probably not even thinking about what they did, while you are lying awake at night replaying the situation over and over again.

Real forgiveness is you putting down the poison. It is you deciding that your mental health is more important than being right. It is you choosing to stop giving that person free rent in your head. But here is the part they leave out — you can do all of that AND still decide that they do not get to be in your life anymore.

I have a friend named Maya who went through this with her mom. Her mom was emotionally manipulative, always making Maya feel guilty for having boundaries. Maya spent years trying to “forgive” her mom in the traditional sense — going to family dinners, pretending everything was fine, letting her mom say whatever she wanted. She was exhausted. She was anxious all the time. She was literally getting sick before every visit.

When she finally understood that forgiveness did not mean allowing mistreatment, everything shifted. She forgave her mom in her heart — she let go of the anger, she stopped expecting her mom to change, she accepted that her mom was who she was. And then she set a boundary. She stopped going to family dinners. She limited phone calls to once a month. She stopped sharing personal details about her life. She forgave her mom, and she protected herself at the same time.

That is the version of forgiveness that actually heals you. Not the version that keeps you small and quiet and people-pleasing.

The Truth About Forgiving Yourself

Okay, but let me be real with you about something harder. What about when the person you need to forgive is yourself? Because I know that is where a lot of you are stuck. You made a mistake — maybe you failed a class, maybe you stayed in a bad relationship too long, maybe you said something you regret, maybe you hurt someone you loved. And now you cannot stop beating yourself up about it.

Self-forgiveness is honestly harder than forgiving anyone else. Because you cannot just walk away from yourself. You are stuck with you 24/7. So when you refuse to forgive yourself, you are essentially punishing yourself every single day for something that already happened. You are living in a prison of your own making, and the guards are just your own thoughts on a loop.

Here is what I want you to understand about self-forgiveness. It is not about saying what you did was okay. It is about accepting that you are human, that you made a mistake, and that you deserve to move forward anyway. You are not the same person you were when you made that choice. You have learned. You have grown. You have changed. Holding onto guilt from who you used to be is like punishing a stranger for something you did years ago.

I messed up so badly my sophomore year of college. I was going through a breakup, I was depressed, and I completely dropped the ball on a group project. I did not pull my weight. My group members had to cover for me. I was so ashamed that I avoided them for the rest of the semester. I carried that guilt for two years. Two years of cringing every time I thought about it. Two years of telling myself I was unreliable and selfish.

And then one day I realized — I had already apologized. I had already learned my lesson. I had never done anything like that again. But I was still punishing myself because I thought self-forgiveness meant I was letting myself off the hook. When really, self-forgiveness meant I was finally ready to stop letting that moment define my entire identity.

How to Actually Practice Forgiveness Without Losing Yourself

Alright, so let me give you something you can actually use. Not just vibes, not just inspiration — real steps that work. Because I know you are tired of hearing about forgiveness without getting any practical tools to make it happen.

Step one: Separate the person from the action. You can forgive someone for what they did without forgiving who they are. That sounds weird, but hear me out. When you say “I forgive you,” you are not saying “you are a good person and everything is fine.” You are saying “I release the emotional hold that this specific action has on me.” That is a huge difference.

Step two: Set a boundary immediately after forgiving. This is the part everybody skips. If someone hurt you, you need to decide what access they have to you going forward. Maybe that means no more late-night phone calls. Maybe it means you only see them in group settings. Maybe it means you block their number. The boundary is not punishment — it is protection. And you can forgive them AND protect yourself at the same time.

Step three: Write it down. I know, I know, journaling sounds like something your high school counselor would suggest. But there is actual science behind this. A study from the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that people who wrote about their feelings of forgiveness for 15-20 minutes a day for three days reported significantly lower stress levels and better sleep. Writing forces your brain to process the emotion instead of just spinning in circles.

Step four: Give yourself a timeline. This one is controversial, but I stand by it. You do not have to forgive someone today. You do not have to forgive them next week. You get to take as much time as you need. But here is the thing — do not let it drag on forever without making progress. Set a goal. “By the end of this semester, I want to have processed this enough that I can think about it without my chest tightening.” That is a realistic goal. That is forgiveness in progress.

The Part Nobody Talks About: Forgiving and Still Being Angry

Let me tell you something that might surprise you. You can forgive someone and still be angry. You can forgive someone and still be sad. You can forgive someone and still wish things had turned out differently. Forgiveness is not the absence of negative emotions — it is the decision to stop letting those emotions control your life.

I think we get this idea that once we forgive, we are supposed to be completely healed and happy and at peace. And then when we still feel angry or hurt, we think we did it wrong. We think we are not “good” at forgiveness. But that is not how it works. Healing is not linear. You can forgive someone today and feel triggered by something they did six months from now. That does not mean you did not really forgive them. It means you are human.

The goal of forgiveness is not to never feel pain again. The goal is to feel the pain, acknowledge it, and then let it move through you instead of letting it take up permanent residence in your body. Think of it like grief. You do not get over losing someone you loved. You just learn to carry it differently over time. Forgiveness works the same way.

What Forgiveness Looks Like in Real Life Situations

Let me give you some examples of what this looks like in situations you are probably dealing with right now. Because I know you are sitting there thinking “okay that sounds good but how do I actually apply this to my life?”

Scenario 1: Your roommate stole from you. You can forgive her for taking your clothes without asking. You can release the anger about it. And you can also put a lock on your closet door and stop sharing things with her. You forgave. You also protected yourself. Both things are true.

Scenario 2: Your ex cheated on you. You can forgive him for the betrayal. You can let go of the resentment so you do not carry it into your next relationship. And you can also block him on everything and never speak to him again. Forgiveness does not mean you owe him a conversation or closure or friendship.

Scenario 3: Your parent was emotionally absent. You can forgive them for not being what you needed. You can accept that they did the best they could with what they had. And you can also decide that you are not going to keep putting yourself in situations where you get hurt again. You can limit contact. You can stop expecting them to change. You can forgive them for who they were and protect yourself from who they still are.

Scenario 4: You failed a class or bombed an interview. You can forgive yourself for not being perfect. You can accept that you did not have the tools or the knowledge or the mental health to do better at that time. And you can also use that experience to make different choices going forward. Self-forgiveness is not an excuse to stay the same. It is permission to grow.

Forgiveness Without Boundaries	Forgiveness With Boundaries
❌ You keep letting them hurt you	✅ You release resentment AND protect your peace
❌ You feel resentful and exhausted	✅ You feel lighter and more in control
❌ You abandon your own needs	✅ You honor your needs while letting go
❌ You stay stuck in the past	✅ You move forward without the weight

The One Thing You Need to Stop Doing Right Now

If you take nothing else from this, take this: stop using forgiveness as a way to avoid conflict. Stop forgiving people just so they will stop being mad at you. Stop forgiving people because you are afraid they will leave if you do not. Forgiveness is not a tool for keeping the peace — it is a tool for finding your own peace.

I know it is scary to set boundaries. I know it is scary to tell someone “I forgive you, but I cannot have you in my life anymore.” I know it is scary to forgive yourself because that means you have to stop using guilt as motivation. But I also know that staying stuck is way more painful than the temporary discomfort of setting a boundary.

You deserve to move through your life without carrying the weight of every person who hurt you. You deserve to wake up in the morning and not immediately think about that thing that happened three years ago. You deserve to forgive on your own terms, in your own time, with your own boundaries intact.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.

Start Here

Here is your one action for today. I want you to identify one person or situation that you have been trying to forgive the wrong way. Maybe it is a friend you keep letting back in. Maybe it is a mistake you keep punishing yourself for. Maybe it is a family member you feel obligated to keep close.

Write down this sentence and fill in the blanks: “I forgive [person/yourself] for [specific action]. And I am choosing to [set this boundary] to protect my peace.” Say it out loud. Write it in your notes app. Actually commit to it.

You might also love this article – one of our most shared.