“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
Let’s talk about forgiveness — but not the version you’ve been sold your whole life. The version that says you have to let people back in, pretend it didn’t hurt, or be the “bigger person” while someone keeps walking all over you.
Yeah, sis. That version is trash. And we’re retiring it today.
Here’s what nobody told you: forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It doesn’t mean giving someone unlimited access to your life. And it definitely doesn’t mean you have to be nice while they do the same thing again. Real forgiveness is for you — not for them. It’s the thing you do so you can stop carrying the weight of what they did. But you can absolutely forgive someone and still keep them at arm’s length. Or block them. Or never speak to them again. That’s not being bitter. That’s being smart.
Why You Keep Getting Told to “Just Forgive and Forget”
You’ve probably heard this from family, from friends, from that one aunt who means well but gives terrible advice. “Just forgive them. Let it go. Don’t hold grudges.” And on the surface, that sounds noble, right? Like you’re taking the high road.
But here’s what actually happens when you “forgive and forget” without setting boundaries: you teach people that your feelings don’t matter. You teach yourself that your pain isn’t valid. And you end up in the same situation again — except this time it hurts worse because you know better.
A 2022 study from the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that people who forgave without addressing the behavior were more likely to experience depression and anxiety six months later. Yeah, that’s wild right? Let that sink in. The thing you’ve been told is the “right” thing to do could actually be making you feel worse.
💡 Quick Tip
Before you offer forgiveness, ask yourself one question: “Has this person actually changed their behavior, or am I just tired of being angry?” If it’s the second one — you’re not ready to forgive yet, and that’s okay.
The Difference Between Forgiving and Allowing
This is the part that changes everything. Forgiveness is an internal process. It’s you deciding that you’re not going to let what happened define your future. It’s you releasing the anger so you can move forward. It’s for your peace, your sleep, your mental health, your ability to trust again.
Allowing is different. Allowing is when you let someone back into your life without any changes. Allowing is when you pretend it didn’t happen so you don’t have to have an uncomfortable conversation. Allowing is when you keep giving chances to someone who has shown you exactly who they are.
You can forgive your ex for cheating — and still block his number. You can forgive your friend for talking behind your back — and still decide she’s not your close friend anymore. You can forgive your parent for the things they said — and still protect your peace by limiting contact. These things can exist at the same time.
What Forgiveness Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Let me give you some real examples. Because “forgive but don’t allow” sounds good in theory, but you need to know what it looks like when your roommate steals your stuff, or your boyfriend lies to you, or your friend cancels on you for the fifth time.
Say your roommate took your expensive face wash without asking — and when you confronted her, she got defensive and said you were overreacting. You can forgive her (because holding onto anger about face wash is exhausting and not worth your energy) AND you can put your skincare in a locked cabinet. You can forgive her AND decide she’s not someone you’d trust with your apartment when you’re out of town. You can forgive her AND ask to be reassigned next semester. All of those things can be true.
Or let’s say your boyfriend lied about where he was last weekend. You can forgive him (because you don’t want to carry suspicion into every future relationship) AND you can decide that trust has been broken and you need to see consistent honesty before you feel safe again. You can forgive him AND tell him exactly what you need to rebuild trust. You can forgive him AND walk away if he’s not willing to do the work.
The problem is that we’ve been taught that forgiveness and boundaries are opposites. They’re not. Boundaries are the container that makes forgiveness safe. Without boundaries, forgiveness just becomes a repeat cycle of getting hurt.
📖 What Works: “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab – This book literally changed how I think about forgiveness and relationships. It gives you scripts for exactly what to say when someone crosses a line. Game changer.
The Truth About Forgiving Someone Who Hasn’t Apologized
Okay, this is the one nobody talks about. What do you do when the person who hurt you doesn’t apologize? When they don’t acknowledge what they did? When they act like nothing happened?
First: you don’t need their apology to heal. I know that sounds unfair. It is unfair. But waiting for someone else to validate your pain is like waiting for a bus that’s never coming. You’ll be standing at that stop forever while the rest of your life passes by.
Here’s what you can do instead. Write down what happened. Not for them — for you. Write down how it made you feel. Write down what you needed from them that you didn’t get. Then write down what you’re going to do to give yourself that closure. Maybe that means a ritual where you physically let it go — burning the paper, tearing it up, throwing it in a river. Maybe it means talking to a therapist. Maybe it means telling yourself: “I deserved better, and I’m choosing to believe that even if they never admit it.”
That’s forgiveness. Not waiting for them to come around. But choosing to release yourself from the story so you can move forward.
You can forgive someone and still never speak to them again.
[Insert GIF of a woman shrugging with confidence or walking away from something]
How to Know If You’ve Actually Forgiven Someone
This is the test. And it’s going to feel uncomfortable, but stay with me. You know you’ve truly forgiven someone when you can think about what happened without your body reacting. When your chest doesn’t tighten. When you don’t feel the urge to text them and tell them off again. When the memory exists but it doesn’t have power over you anymore.
That doesn’t mean you’re okay with what they did. It doesn’t mean you want them back in your life. It just means you’ve processed it enough that it’s no longer running the show in your brain. You’re not replaying the conversation. You’re not imagining what you should have said. You’re not checking their social media to see if they’re “paying for it.”
If you’re still doing any of those things, you’re not done yet. And that’s okay. Healing isn’t linear. But here’s what I want you to know: the goal isn’t to get to a place where you feel nothing. The goal is to get to a place where you feel something and you can still move forward with your life.
Signs You’ve Actually Forgiven Someone:
✅ You can talk about what happened without getting emotional
✅ You don’t wish bad things on them anymore
✅ You’ve stopped checking their social media for “proof” they’re suffering
✅ You’ve set clear boundaries to protect yourself going forward
✅ You’re not waiting for an apology that may never come
The Insider Secret Nobody Tells You About Forgiveness
Here’s the thing that changed everything for me. Forgiveness is actually a skill. It’s something you practice, not something you just decide to do one day and it’s done. Think of it like a muscle. The more you practice releasing things that aren’t yours to carry, the stronger that muscle gets.
And here’s the part that really matters: forgiveness is not a one-time event. You might forgive someone today and feel angry about it again next week. That doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re human. The anger might come back when you see them at a party, or when someone brings up the situation, or when you’re having a bad day and your brain goes back to old patterns. That’s normal. When that happens, you just choose again. You remind yourself: “I already released this. I don’t have to pick it back up.”
The people who heal the best aren’t the ones who never feel the pain again. They’re the ones who learn to let it go faster every time it comes up.
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about remembering without the rage.”
What About Forgiving Yourself?
Okay, we’ve talked about forgiving other people. But what about the person you’re hardest on? What about forgiving yourself?
You’ve made mistakes. Maybe you stayed too long in a relationship you knew was wrong. Maybe you said something you regret. Maybe you failed a class or lost a job or hurt someone you cared about. And now you’re carrying that shame around like a backpack full of rocks.
Self-forgiveness is actually harder than forgiving other people. Because you can’t just cut yourself off or block your own number. You have to live with yourself every single day. But here’s the truth: holding onto guilt about the past doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help the person you hurt. It doesn’t make you a better person. It just keeps you stuck in a version of yourself that no longer exists.
The person who made those mistakes is not who you are today. You’ve learned. You’ve grown. You’ve changed. And the best apology you can give to yourself and to anyone you’ve hurt is to be different going forward. That’s it. That’s the work.
Write this down somewhere you’ll see it every day: “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I know better, so I’ll do better.”
💡 Quick Tip
If you’re struggling to forgive yourself, try this: write a letter to your past self from your current self. Tell her what you’ve learned. Tell her you forgive her. Tell her she’s not defined by her worst moment. Then read it out loud. It sounds cheesy but it works.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
[Insert GIF of women laughing together or a comforting hug]
Start Here: Your Forgiveness Action Plan
You’ve read all the way to the end, which means you’re ready to actually do something about this. So here’s your step-by-step plan. Not next week. Not when you feel ready. Today.
Step 1: Identify one situation where you’ve been holding onto anger or resentment. Just one. Don’t try to fix everything at once.
Step 2: Ask yourself: “Is holding onto this helping me or hurting me?” Be honest. If it’s hurting you, you know what you need to do.
Step 3: Decide what forgiveness looks like for THIS situation. Does it mean you release the anger but keep your distance? Does it mean you have a conversation? Does it mean you write a letter and never send it? There’s no wrong answer.
Step 4: Set a boundary that protects you going forward. This is non-negotiable. Forgiveness without boundaries is just setting yourself up to get hurt again.
Step 5: Do something that symbolizes your release. Light a candle. Take a deep breath. Say out loud: “I forgive [person’s name] for [what they did]. I release this so I can move forward.” Saying it out loud makes it real.
Why This Works:
✅ It gives you a clear process instead of vague advice to “just forgive”
✅ It separates forgiveness from allowing — so you can do both
✅ It honors your feelings while still moving you forward
✅ It includes boundaries, which are the missing piece most advice leaves out
You might also love this article – one of our most shared.
Here’s the thing I want you to remember when you close this tab. Forgiveness is not about being weak. It’s not about letting people off the hook. It’s not about pretending everything is fine. Forgiveness is about taking your power back. It’s about saying: “What you did matters. But what I do next matters more.”
You get to decide who has access to you. You get to decide what you carry and what you leave behind. You get to decide that your peace is worth protecting — even if that means forgiving someone from a distance.
And if you’re reading this and thinking “but I’m not ready to forgive yet” — that’s okay too. Don’t let anyone rush your healing. You’ll know when it’s time. And when it is, you’ll have the tools to do it in a way that protects you, not just the people who hurt you.
You’ve got this. And you’ve got a whole community of women who are figuring it out right alongside you.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. Come find your people.
