“Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It is about taking the hook out of your own back.”
Sis, let me tell you something I wish someone had told me at 19 when my so-called best friend hooked up with my situationship and then posted matching outfits on Instagram like nothing happened. Forgiveness is not for them. It is for you. And I know that sounds like a cliché quote you would see on a Pinterest board next to a sunset, but girl, I need you to really hear me on this one.
You are probably reading this because someone hurt you. Maybe it was a friend who talked behind your back. Maybe it was a parent who said something that cut deeper than they will ever know. Maybe it was a boyfriend who made you feel small, or a professor who graded you unfairly, or a roommate who ate your last Trader Joe’s frozen mac and cheese and did not even apologize. Whatever it is, you are carrying it. And that weight? It is not punishing them. It is punishing you.
Here is the thing about forgiveness that nobody teaches you in school or on TikTok: it is not reconciliation. It is not saying what they did was okay. It is not texting them “I forgive you” and inviting them to brunch. Forgiveness is an inside job. It is you deciding that you are done letting them live rent-free in your head while you pay the emotional utilities.
Why Is Forgiveness So Hard When They Were Wrong?
I get it. You are sitting there thinking, “But they do not deserve my forgiveness. They did not even apologize. They are out there living their best life while I am still replaying the conversation in the shower.” And you are right. They probably do not deserve it. But here is the plot twist: forgiveness was never about what they deserve. It is about what you deserve.
You deserve to stop waking up with that knot in your stomach. You deserve to scroll past their name without your heart rate spiking. You deserve to tell the story of what happened without your voice shaking. And the only way to get there is through forgiveness — not because they earned it, but because you deserve peace.
💡 Quick Tip
Try this: Write their name on a piece of paper. Then write everything they did to hurt you. Then burn it, shred it, or throw it in the trash. That physical act of letting go is a form of forgiveness that your brain actually registers. It sounds dramatic, but it works.
Let me break down what forgiveness actually does to your body and brain, because this is where it gets real. When you hold onto resentment, your body releases cortisol — that is the stress hormone. Chronically high cortisol levels are linked to anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and even weight gain around your midsection. So while you are out here holding a grudge, your body is literally paying the price. A study from the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that people who practice forgiveness have lower stress levels, better sleep quality, and even stronger immune systems. Yeah, that is wild, right? Let that sink in.
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. — Ancient wisdom that still hits.
The Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation
This is the part that trips most of us up. We think forgiveness means we have to let them back in. We think it means we are saying what they did was fine. We think it means we are weak. None of that is true.
Forgiveness is internal. It is you releasing the emotional charge around what happened. Reconciliation is external. It is rebuilding trust and possibly letting someone back into your life. You can absolutely forgive someone and never speak to them again. In fact, sometimes that is the healthiest choice.
So if you have been avoiding forgiveness because you think it means you have to text them and be friends again, let me free you from that right now. You do not have to do any of that. You can forgive them from a distance. You can forgive them while blocking their number. You can forgive them while never giving them another second of your time.
📓 What Works: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – This book changed how I think about forgiveness, shame, and letting go of who I thought I should be. It is like having a therapist in your backpack.
How to Actually Practice Forgiveness (Step-by-Step)
Okay, so you are sold on the idea that forgiveness is for you. But how do you actually do it? It is not like flipping a switch. It is a process, and it might take time. Here is a step-by-step that actually works.
Step 1: Acknowledge the hurt. You cannot forgive something you have not fully felt. Sit with the pain. Write it out. Say it out loud in your car. Let yourself cry if you need to. Forgiveness does not skip over the hurt — it moves through it.
Step 2: Separate the person from the action. This one is tricky, but hear me out. You can hate what someone did without hating them as a person. That does not mean you excuse their behavior. It means you stop defining them by their worst moment. This shift makes forgiveness feel less like you are condoning something awful and more like you are freeing yourself.
Step 3: Make it about your future, not their past. Ask yourself: “Do I want to carry this into next year? Into my next relationship? Into my next job?” If the answer is no, then forgiveness is the tool that gets you there. You are not doing it for them. You are doing it for the version of you who gets to move on without the weight.
Why This Works:
✅ You stop giving them power over your emotions
✅ You lower your stress and improve your health
✅ You free up mental energy for things that actually matter
✅ You model self-respect for everyone around you
Step 4: Say it out loud or write it down. There is something about verbalizing or writing forgiveness that makes it real. You can say, “I forgive [name] for [specific action]. I release this for my own peace.” You do not have to send it to them. You just have to say it to yourself. Your brain will register it differently than just thinking it.
Step 5: Repeat as needed. Here is the thing about forgiveness — it is not a one-and-done. You might forgive someone today and feel the anger bubble up again next week. That is normal. Forgiveness is a practice, not a destination. Every time it comes up, you choose to release it again. Eventually, it stops coming up.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” — Oprah Winfrey
What Forgiveness Looks Like in Real Life
Let me give you some real examples of what forgiveness looks like for women your age, because I know the theory is nice but the application is where it gets messy.
Scenario 1: The friend who ghosted you. You were close. You shared everything. Then one day, she just stopped responding. You saw her posting with other friends on Instagram. It hurt. Forgiveness here looks like acknowledging that she hurt you, accepting that you may never get closure from her, and deciding that you are not going to let her actions make you distrust every new friend you meet. You forgive her so you can show up fully in your next friendship.
Scenario 2: The parent who let you down. Maybe they were not emotionally available. Maybe they said something that stuck with you. Maybe they chose work over you. Forgiveness here is complicated because they are your parent and you want their approval. But forgiveness means accepting that they are human and flawed and probably did the best they could with what they had — even if their best was not good enough. You forgive them so you can stop waiting for an apology that might never come and start healing on your own terms.
Scenario 3: The ex who wasted your time. You gave them everything. They gave you breadcrumbs. Now you are stuck replaying every text, every moment, every red flag you ignored. Forgiveness here is not about excusing their behavior. It is about accepting that the relationship is over, that you learned what you needed to learn, and that holding onto the anger is only keeping you connected to someone who does not deserve another second of your energy.
Scenario 4: The roommate from hell. She never did the dishes. She stole your clothes. She had people over without asking. You are still angry months later. Forgiveness here is about reclaiming your peace. You forgive her so you can stop reliving the frustration every time you do dishes in your new apartment. You forgive her so that memory stops having power over you.
Scenario 5: Yourself. This one is the hardest. Maybe you made a mistake. You failed a class. You stayed too long. You said something you regret. You need to practice forgiveness toward yourself. You are not a bad person because you made a bad decision. You are a human being who was doing her best with what she knew at the time. Self-forgiveness is the foundation for all other forgiveness. If you cannot forgive yourself, it is going to be really hard to forgive anyone else.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Forgiveness
Here is the insider secret that changed everything for me: forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision. You are not going to wake up one day and suddenly feel like forgiving them. You have to choose it, even when you do not feel it. And then you choose it again. And again. And eventually, the feeling catches up to the decision.
I remember sitting in my college dorm room, crying over a friendship that had ended badly. I was so angry. I wanted her to hurt the way I hurt. I wanted her to apologize. I wanted her to admit she was wrong. And my therapist at the time said something I will never forget: “You can be right, or you can be free. You cannot be both.” That hit me like a truck. I had been so focused on being right that I had forgotten what freedom felt like.
That is when I started practicing forgiveness as a discipline. Every time the anger came up, I would say to myself, “I choose to forgive her. Not because she deserves it, but because I deserve peace.” It felt fake at first. It felt like I was lying to myself. But after a few weeks, something shifted. The anger started to lose its grip. I stopped checking her social media. I stopped imagining what I would say if I saw her. I started sleeping better. I started laughing more. That is what forgiveness does. It gives you back your life.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mahatma Gandhi
Start Here: Your Forgiveness Action Plan
I am not going to leave you with just theory. Here is your one clear action you can take right now, today, to start practicing forgiveness.
Take out your phone. Open your notes app. Write the name of the person you need to forgive. Underneath, write one sentence: “I forgive you for [specific thing]. I release this for my own peace.” Read it out loud three times. Then close the app and go do something that brings you joy — watch a funny video, call a friend who makes you laugh, go for a walk, make your favorite snack. You have just taken the first step toward forgiveness. It might not feel like much, but it is everything.
Your Forgiveness Toolkit:
✅ A journal to write out your feelings (I love The Five Minute Journal)
✅ A playlist of songs that make you feel powerful
✅ A trusted friend who will let you vent without judgment
✅ A therapist or counselor if the hurt runs deep
✅ This article saved in your favorites for when you need a reminder
You might also love this article — one of our most shared. It goes hand-in-hand with the forgiveness work you are doing.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. We talk about forgiveness, about healing, about the messy middle of becoming who you are meant to be. And we do it without pretending we have it all figured out.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. They have practiced forgiveness, they have healed, and they are cheering you on. Come find your people.
You got this, sis. And I am so proud of you for even being open to the idea of forgiveness. That takes guts. That takes strength. That takes the kind of courage that most people never find. But you found it. And you are going to keep finding it, every single day, until you are free.
