“You are not confused. You are not broken. You are just in a situationship that is feeding off your hope and giving you nothing but crumbs.”
Sis, let me guess. You are in a situationship that has you checking your phone every 20 minutes, analyzing every text like it is a final exam question, and convincing yourself that maybe if you just wait a little longer, he will finally commit. Sound familiar?
Here is the thing about a situationship that nobody tells you: it is not a relationship. It is not a friendship. It is a waiting room where you are the only one paying rent. And girl, I have been there too. I spent eight months in a situationship that had me questioning my own sanity. Eight months of “not ready for a relationship” and “let us just see where things go” and “I really care about you but…”—all while he was getting everything he wanted and I was getting anxiety attacks at 2 AM.
So let us talk about why you are staying in this situationship, what is actually happening underneath all that hoping, and exactly how to leave without feeling like you are losing your mind.
Why You Are Still in That Situationship
First, let me tell you something that might sting a little: you are not staying because he is special. You are staying because your brain has been hijacked by something called the intermittent reinforcement loop. It is the same psychological mechanism that makes slot machines addictive. You get a little hit of attention, then nothing, then a little hit again, and your brain keeps chasing that next dopamine spike.
A 2021 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people in ambiguous relationships—aka situationships—report significantly higher levels of anxiety and depression than people in defined relationships or people who are single. Yeah, that is wild, right? Let that sink in. You are literally making yourself more anxious by staying in this gray area.
But here is the deeper reason you are staying: you have convinced yourself that this situationship is your only option. You think that if you leave, you will be alone forever. You think that his attention—even the inconsistent, confusing, breadcrumb type—is better than nothing. And that is a lie your fear is telling you.
💡 Quick Tip
If you are in a situationship, ask yourself this one question: “If my best friend told me she was in this exact situation, what would I tell her to do?” Whatever you say to her—say that to yourself. You already know the answer.
Let me break down the three main reasons women stay in situationships, because naming it is the first step to leaving it.
Reason #1: The Potential Trap. You are not in love with who he is. You are in love with who he could be. You see his potential—the way he looks at you sometimes, that one conversation where he actually opened up, the version of him that shows up once every two weeks. And you are trying to date that version. But girl, you cannot date a ghost. You have to date the person who is actually showing up, and right now, that person is keeping you in a situationship.
Reason #2: The Sunk Cost Fallacy. You have already invested months—maybe even a year—into this situationship. You have given him your time, your energy, your emotional bandwidth. And your brain is telling you that if you leave now, all of that was wasted. But here is the truth: staying longer does not make the investment worth it. It just means you lose more. The best time to leave a situationship was the first time you felt confused. The second best time is right now.
Reason #3: The Scarcity Mindset. You think this is as good as it gets. You think that because he is hot, or successful, or funny, or because he gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked, that you will never find someone else. And I need you to hear this: a situationship is not the prize. A situationship is the consolation prize you give yourself when you do not believe you deserve the real thing.
63% of women in situationships report feeling like they are “settling” — and 78% say they knew it was wrong within the first three months.
The Red Flags You Are Ignoring in Your Situationship
Okay, let me get real specific with you. I want you to think about your situationship right now and check how many of these apply. Because I promise you, the answer is probably more than you want to admit.
He does not introduce you to his friends or family. You have been “talking” for months, but you have never met his roommate. You have never been to his apartment. You are a secret. And you know why? Because if he is keeping you in a situationship, telling other people about you would force him to define what you are. And he does not want to do that because then he would have to take responsibility for how he treats you.
Your conversations are surface level. You talk every day, but you do not talk about anything real. He knows what you are studying or where you work, but he does not know your fears. He does not know what happened with your dad. He does not know that you are stressed about tuition. And when you try to go deeper, he changes the subject or gives you a one-word response. That is not intimacy. That is a situationship masquerading as connection.
You feel anxious more than you feel safe. Here is the test: when you think about your situationship, does your stomach drop or does your heart feel warm? If your first reaction is anxiety—wondering when he will text, analyzing what he meant, worrying about where you stand—that is your body telling you this is not right. Your nervous system knows before your brain does. Listen to it.
💊 What Works: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment – This book will literally change how you see every situationship you have ever been in. It explains the attachment styles that keep you stuck in confusing dynamics and gives you a framework for understanding why you stay when you know you should leave. I recommend it to every woman who is trying to break the cycle.
What Actually Works: How to Leave a Situationship
Alright, here is the part you actually came for. You know you need to leave this situationship. But how? Because it is not that simple. You have feelings. You have history. You have hope. And leaving feels like losing something, even when that something was never really yours.
I am going to give you a step-by-step plan. Not vague advice. Not “just block him.” Actual steps that work.
Step 1: Name it out loud. You have to say it. “I am in a situationship and it is not serving me.” Say it to yourself in the mirror. Say it to your best friend. Say it out loud so it becomes real. As long as you keep it in your head, you can rationalize it. The moment you speak it, you have to face it.
Step 2: Write down what you actually want. Get specific. Do you want a committed relationship? Do you want someone who calls you their girlfriend? Do you want someone who shows up consistently? Write it all down. Then look at your situationship and ask yourself: is this person giving me any of that? The answer is probably no, and seeing it in writing makes it harder to lie to yourself.
Step 3: Have the conversation. I know you are scared. But you need to have the “what are we” conversation one last time—not to get him to commit, but to get your clarity. Here is exactly what you say: “I have really enjoyed spending time with you, but I am looking for something real and committed. If that is not what you want, I understand, but I need to step back so I can find what I am looking for.”
And here is the key: you do not argue. You do not negotiate. You do not explain. You state your boundary and you let him respond. If he says he is not ready, you say “I understand” and you walk away. If he says he wants to try, you say “Great, let us talk about what that looks like” and you watch if his actions match his words.
Step 4: Go no contact for 30 days. This is non-negotiable. You cannot heal from a situationship while you are still in contact with the person. You need to break the dopamine loop. Delete the messages. Mute the notifications. Tell yourself you can reach out in 30 days if you still want to—but I promise you, by day 21, you will not want to.
Step 5: Fill the space. The reason you stayed in the situationship for so long is because you had empty space in your life that he was filling—even poorly. So you have to fill that space with something better. Pick up a hobby you dropped. Reconnect with friends. Start that side hustle. Apply for that scholarship. The best way to get over a situationship is to build a life so full that he becomes irrelevant.
Why This Works:
✅ You stop chasing someone who is not choosing you — and you reclaim your power
✅ You break the addiction cycle of intermittent reinforcement
✅ You create space for someone who actually wants to be with you
✅ You learn that you can survive without his attention — and thrive
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Leaving a Situationship
Here is the part that nobody talks about. When you leave a situationship, you are not just grieving him. You are grieving the future you imagined. You are grieving the potential. You are grieving the version of him that only existed in your head. And that grief is real, even if the relationship was not.
But here is what I need you to understand: that grief is a sign that you are healing. It means you are finally letting go of the fantasy. And on the other side of that grief is something so much better—a version of you who knows her worth, who does not settle for crumbs, and who can spot a situationship from a mile away.
You are also going to feel lonely. That is normal. When you leave a situationship, you are removing a source of attention that your brain got used to—even if that attention was inconsistent and confusing. But loneliness is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is a signal that you need to connect with yourself and your community, not a signal that you should go back to him.
“You are not losing him. You are losing the idea of him. And that idea was never real enough to hold onto anyway.”
And one more thing: do not be surprised if he comes back. When you leave a situationship, the person often panics because they realize they lost their source of attention. He might text you. He might say he misses you. He might even say he is ready now. And this is where you have to be strong. Because if he was not ready when you were there, he is not ready now. He is just scared of losing his options. Do not be an option. Be a priority.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. The conversations about situationships, about knowing your worth, about walking away when it is hard—that is what we do. And I want you to know that you do not have to figure this out alone.
Related: This post on self-discovery journeys is a must-read for women who are ready to stop losing themselves in situationships and start finding themselves instead.
Start Here: Your First Step Out of the Situationship
I want you to do one thing today. Just one. And I want you to do it before you close this tab.
Open your notes app on your phone. Write down the following sentence and fill in the blank: “I have been staying in this situationship because I am afraid that ____________.” Be honest. Maybe it is “I am afraid that I will be alone.” Maybe it is “I am afraid that he is the best I can get.” Maybe it is “I am afraid of the pain of losing him.”
Now look at what you wrote. That is the fear that has been keeping you stuck. And once you name it, you can start to question it. Is it true? Is it really true that you will be alone? Is it really true that he is the best you can get? Or is that just a story your fear has been telling you to keep you small?
I want you to screenshot this post and save it. I want you to come back to it every time you feel yourself slipping back into the situationship cycle. Because breaking free is not a one-time thing. It is a muscle you build. Every time you choose yourself, it gets stronger.
Your Exit Strategy from the Situationship:
✅ Step 1: Name it out loud — “I am in a situationship that is not serving me”
✅ Step 2: Write down what you actually want in a relationship
✅ Step 3: Have the clarity conversation — not to get him, but to free yourself
✅ Step 4: Go no contact for 30 days — no exceptions
✅ Step 5: Fill the space with things that actually nourish you
You might also love this article on the best community for women to connect and grow — one of our most shared because it speaks to exactly what you are going through right now.
And listen, I know this is hard. I know you are sitting there with your phone in your hand, maybe with tears in your eyes, wondering if you have the strength to actually leave this situationship. And I need you to hear me: you do. You have always had it. You have just been giving it away to someone who did not deserve it.
The woman who leaves a situationship is not weak. She is not cold. She is not giving up. She is choosing herself. And that is the most powerful thing you can do.
So take a deep breath. Open your notes app. Write down that fear. And then take one step—just one—toward the life you actually want. A life where you are not waiting for someone to choose you. A life where you are the one doing the choosing.
You have got this, sis. I am right here cheering you on.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. They have left the situationships, rebuilt their confidence, and found relationships that actually feel good. Come find your people.
