Emotional Intelligence: What I Would Tell My Younger Self

Let me tell you something real, sis. The day I started building my emotional intelligence was the day I stopped letting other people’s opinions run my life. And girl, I wish someone had told me this sooner — like, way before I wasted years spiraling over a random comment from a roommate, a passive-aggressive text from a situationship, or a boss who gave me the silent treatment.

Here is the thing nobody tells you about emotional intelligence: it is not about being “nice” or “calm” all the time. It is about knowing that 90% of what people say and do has absolutely nothing to do with you. Yeah, let that sink in for a second. That friend who ghosted you? Probably dealing with her own mess. That professor who snapped at you? Might have gotten into a fight with her partner that morning. That guy who didn’t text back? Honestly, could be anything — but it is rarely about your worth.

I know you are out here dealing with so much. Tuition stress. Roommate drama. First job anxiety. Social media pressure where everyone looks like they have it together except you. And the worst part? You take all of it personally. You think every side-eye, every delayed response, every “we need to talk” message is a reflection of your value. But here is the truth: emotional intelligence is the skill that teaches you to separate what is yours to carry and what is not.

Why Do You Take Everything Personally?

Okay, let us get into the psychology of this for a second. There is actually a reason your brain does this, and it is not because you are “too sensitive” or “dramatic.” When you take things personally, it is often because your brain is trying to protect you. Back in caveman days, being rejected from the group literally meant death. So your nervous system is wired to interpret criticism, silence, or coldness as a threat. But here is the problem: your brain has not caught up to the fact that you are not living in a tribe anymore. You are living in 2025, where someone can ignore your text because they are watching TikToks, not because they hate you.

This is where emotional intelligence comes in. It is the tool that helps you pause before you react. It gives you that split second where you ask yourself: “Is this about me, or is this about them?” And most of the time, it is about them. Studies actually show that people project their own insecurities onto others 70% of the time. Yeah, that is wild, right? So when your coworker gives you a backhanded compliment, it is probably because she is insecure about her own performance. When your friend gets distant, it is probably because she is overwhelmed with her own life. It is rarely about you.

The Social Media Trap

Let us talk about the elephant in the room: social media. Nothing will test your emotional intelligence faster than scrolling through Instagram and seeing your ex’s new girlfriend post a couple selfie while you are eating ramen alone in your dorm. Or seeing your friend from high school get an internship you applied for and did not get. Or watching someone you know post a “humble brag” that feels like a direct dig at you.

Here is the reality check: social media is a highlight reel, not real life. But your brain does not know that. When you see someone else’s success, your brain interprets it as a threat to your own survival. That is why you feel that pang of jealousy or inadequacy. But emotional intelligence teaches you to recognize that feeling and say, “Okay, I see you. But you are not the truth.” That person’s win does not take away from your future. Their relationship does not diminish your worth. Their internship does not mean you are behind.

I want you to try something. The next time you feel that sting from a post, put your phone down and ask yourself: “What am I actually feeling right now?” Is it jealousy? Loneliness? Fear of not being good enough? Name it. That is emotional intelligence — the ability to identify and label your emotions instead of letting them control you. Once you name it, you can deal with it. And 9 times out of 10, the solution is not to scroll more. It is to call a friend, go for a walk, or just sit with yourself and realize you are okay.

What Actually Works: Building Your Emotional Intelligence Muscle

Okay, so now you know why you take things personally and how social media makes it worse. But what do you actually DO about it? Let me give you the step-by-step that actually works. This is not fluffy advice — this is the stuff I wish I had when I was 19 and crying over a text from a guy who was not even worth my tears.

First, you need to understand that emotional intelligence is a skill, not a personality trait. You can build it just like you build a muscle. It takes practice, repetition, and a lot of patience with yourself. Here is how you start:

Step 1: The 24-Hour Rule – When someone says or does something that hurts you, do not respond immediately. Give yourself 24 hours. Write it down in your notes app. Sleep on it. I promise you, 90% of the things that feel like a crisis at midnight will feel manageable by noon the next day. This is emotional intelligence 101 — delaying your reaction so your rational brain can catch up to your emotional brain.

Step 2: The “Is This Mine?” Check – Ask yourself: “Is this feedback about something I can actually control?” If someone says your outfit is ugly, that is their opinion — not your problem. If someone says your work is late, that is a fact you can address. Learn to separate opinion from fact. This is where emotional intelligence gets real because it forces you to stop defending yourself against things that are not even attacks.

Step 3: Build Your Internal Validation System – Here is the hard truth: if you need everyone to like you, you will be a slave to everyone’s opinion. Start building a list of things you know to be true about yourself regardless of what anyone says. Write them down. “I am a hard worker. I am kind to my friends. I am trying my best.” When someone says something that shakes you, go back to that list. That is emotional intelligence — knowing your worth is not up for debate.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Emotional Intelligence

Here is the part that nobody talks about, and I need you to hear this: emotional intelligence does not mean you never get hurt. It does not mean you become a robot who does not care. It means you feel the feeling, you let it pass through you, and then you make a conscious choice about what to do next. You are allowed to be sad when someone hurts you. You are allowed to be angry when someone treats you unfairly. But emotional intelligence means you do not let those feelings run your life.

I remember when I was in college and my best friend at the time stopped talking to me for two weeks. I was devastated. I thought I did something wrong. I replayed every conversation, every text, every hangout. I lost sleep over it. And then I found out she was going through a family crisis and just did not know how to talk about it. All that pain I put myself through? It had nothing to do with me. That is the thing about taking things personally — you end up suffering twice. Once from the situation, and once from the story you tell yourself about it.

Let me give you another real-life example. When I started my first job out of college, my manager was cold. Like, ice cold. She would barely make eye contact with me. I convinced myself she hated me. I thought I was going to get fired. I started looking for other jobs. And then one day, I overheard her on the phone talking about her mom who was in the hospital. She was not cold because of me. She was cold because she was going through something. My lack of emotional intelligence almost made me quit a job I actually needed. Do not be me. Learn this now.

How Emotional Intelligence Changes Every Area of Your Life

Let us break this down by the areas where you are probably struggling right now, because I know you are dealing with a lot. Emotional intelligence is not just about feeling better — it is about actually changing your outcomes.

In friendships: You know that friend who always cancels last minute? Instead of taking it personally and thinking she does not care about you, emotional intelligence helps you see that she might be overwhelmed, anxious, or just bad at planning. You can still be disappointed — that is valid — but you do not have to let it ruin your whole week or end a friendship over something that is not personal.

In dating: This one is huge. When a guy does not text back, your brain wants to tell you it is because you are not pretty enough, interesting enough, or good enough. But emotional intelligence says: “Maybe he is just a bad texter. Maybe he is not that into me, and that is okay because I deserve someone who is. Maybe he is dealing with his own stuff.” It saves you from the spiral of overthinking and helps you keep your dignity intact.

At work or school: When you get critical feedback, it stings. But emotional intelligence helps you separate the feedback from your identity. Your professor saying your essay needs work is not the same as saying you are stupid. Your boss giving you constructive criticism is not the same as saying you are failing. It is information you can use to grow, not a verdict on your worth.

With family: Family drama is a whole different beast because these are people who have known you your whole life. They know exactly which buttons to push. But emotional intelligence helps you set boundaries without feeling guilty. You can love your mom and still not take her criticisms personally. You can care about your dad and still not let his disappointment define your choices.

The Science Behind Not Taking Things Personally

Okay, let me hit you with some real science because I know you like facts. There is a psychological concept called “cognitive fusion” — it is when you get so wrapped up in your thoughts that you believe they are facts. For example, you think “she hates me” and your brain treats that thought like it is a proven truth. Emotional intelligence is the opposite of cognitive fusion. It is “cognitive defusion” — the ability to observe your thoughts without getting tangled in them.

Research shows that people with high emotional intelligence have better mental health, stronger relationships, and even higher salaries. Yeah, you read that right. A study from Yale found that people who can manage their emotions effectively earn an average of $29,000 more per year. That is not a typo. Learning to not take things personally literally pays you. Think about that next time you are about to spiral over a text that was left on read.

Another thing: your brain has something called the “negativity bias.” It is wired to remember negative experiences more than positive ones because, evolutionarily, remembering the saber-toothed tiger was more important than remembering the nice berry patch. So when someone says one critical thing and nine nice things, your brain will cling to the critical thing. Emotional intelligence helps you override that bias by consciously focusing on the bigger picture. It is not easy, but it is trainable.

Taking It Personally	Using Emotional Intelligence
❌ Assumes everything is about you	✅ Considers other people’s context
❌ Reacts immediately from emotion	✅ Pauses and responds thoughtfully
❌ Lets criticism define your worth	✅ Uses feedback as data, not identity
❌ Stays stuck in resentment	✅ Moves on with clarity and peace

Start Here: Your 5-Day Emotional Intelligence Challenge

I am not going to leave you with just theory. Here is a concrete 5-day challenge to start building your emotional intelligence muscle right now. Do this, and I promise you will feel the difference.

Day 1: The Pause Practice – Every time you feel that sting of taking something personally, pause for 10 seconds before reacting. Count in your head. Just 10 seconds. That is enough time for your prefrontal cortex (the rational part of your brain) to catch up to your amygdala (the emotional part). Do this at least 3 times today.

Day 2: The Perspective Shift – When someone says or does something that bothers you, write down three possible reasons for their behavior that have nothing to do with you. “Maybe she is tired. Maybe she is stressed about finals. Maybe she did not see my text.” This rewires your brain to stop defaulting to “it is about me.”

Day 3: The Validation Audit – Make a list of 5 things you know to be true about yourself that no one can take away. Put it on your phone wallpaper. Read it every time you feel shaky. This is your anchor when emotional intelligence feels hard.

Day 4: The Social Media Detox – Take one full day off social media. I know, I know. But do it. You will be shocked at how much of your emotional turmoil comes from comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. Use that time to journal, call a friend, or just sit with yourself.

Day 5: The Compassion Check – Think about someone who hurt you recently. Now try to imagine what they might be going through that has nothing to do with you. This is not about excusing bad behavior — it is about freeing yourself from the weight of carrying their stuff. Emotional intelligence is also about compassion, for them and for yourself.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.

Start Here

Your one action for today: Pick one relationship or situation where you have been taking things personally. It could be a friend, a family member, a coworker, or even a stranger on social media. Now, write down one alternative explanation for their behavior that has nothing to do with you. Just one. That is it. That is your first step toward building emotional intelligence.

And if you are feeling brave, text that person something kind today. Not to get a response, not to fix anything — just to break the cycle of assuming the worst. You might be surprised at what happens.

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