“You are not too much. You have just been around people who made you feel like you had to be less.”
Listen, your self-worth is not something you earn at your next performance review. And it is not something you have to whisper about in the group chat like it is a secret.
But here is what I see happen all the time — to me, to my friends, to women in the TechMae community every single day. We shrink. We take up less space. We dim our light so somebody else in the room can feel bright.
And girl, it is exhausting. So let us talk about it for real.
Why You Keep Making Yourself Smaller (And Why It Is Costing You)
You know that feeling when you have a great idea in a meeting but you wait for someone else to say it first? Or when you downplay your accomplishments because you do not want to seem “braggy”? Or when you say yes to plans, projects, and people who drain you because saying no feels rude?
That is shrinking. And it shows up in ways you might not even notice — until you look up and realize you are five years into a career, underpaid, overworked, and wondering where your self-worth went.
The thing is, nobody teaches you to do this. It happens slowly. A comment here. A reaction there. You learn that being “too much” gets you labeled difficult, aggressive, or emotional. So you dial it back. You soften your voice. You laugh off the disrespect. You make yourself small enough to fit into rooms that were never built for you anyway.
💡 Quick Tip
Next time you catch yourself saying “I’m sorry” for something that does not need an apology — like asking a question, taking up time in a meeting, or having an opinion — pause and rephrase. “Thanks for your patience” instead of “Sorry I’m late.” “I see it differently” instead of “Sorry, but…” Small shifts change how people hear you.
Let me be clear: shrinking is not a character flaw. It is a survival mechanism. You learned it because at some point, it kept you safe. Maybe it kept you from being criticized. Maybe it kept the peace at home. Maybe it kept you from standing out when standing out felt dangerous.
But what kept you safe then is keeping you stuck now. And your self-worth deserves better than that.
The Real Cost of Playing Small
Let us talk numbers, because this is not just about feelings. Shrinking yourself has a price tag.
When you do not negotiate your salary because you are scared to seem “demanding,” you leave thousands on the table. When you do not apply for the promotion because you think you are not ready, someone less qualified gets it. When you do not pitch your business idea because you are waiting to feel “ready,” you lose momentum.
Women who negotiate their first salary offer earn $1 million more over their careers.
Yeah, that is wild right. Let that sink in.
And that is just money. Think about the opportunities you have passed on. The relationships you stayed in too long. The ideas you never shared. The version of yourself you have been too scared to become.
Your self-worth is not just about how you feel when you look in the mirror. It is about what you are willing to accept, what you are willing to ask for, and what you are willing to walk away from.
How to Stop Shrinking and Start Showing Up
Okay, so what actually works? Because I am not about to just tell you to “believe in yourself” and leave you hanging. Here is the real work.
1. Audit your circle. Who makes you feel bigger when you walk into the room? Who makes you feel like you have to dim your light? Be honest. You do not have to cut everyone off, but you do need to stop giving your energy to people who only know how to take.
2. Practice saying what you want out loud. Not in your head. Out loud. In the mirror. To a friend. In the meeting. The more you hear your own voice saying what you need, the less scary it gets. Your self-worth grows every time you choose yourself.
3. Stop apologizing for existing. You do not need to apologize for asking a question. For taking up time. For having an opinion. For being good at something. For wanting more. The word “sorry” is not a filler word — save it for when you actually mean it.
Signs You Are Shrinking (And Need to Check Your Self-Worth):
✅ You downplay your wins so others do not feel bad
✅ You wait for permission before making moves
✅ You say yes when you mean no
✅ You stay quiet when you have something to say
✅ You accept less than you deserve because you are scared of being alone
If you checked even two of those, sis, this is your sign. Your self-worth is not a luxury. It is the foundation of everything you are building.
💊 What Works: The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest – This book is not fluff. It is a straight-up mirror for the self-sabotage that keeps you small. If you are ready to stop getting in your own way, this is the one.
What Actually Works: Building Self-Worth You Can Feel
Here is the truth: self-worth is not built in a day. It is built in the small, quiet choices you make every single day. It is built when you keep a promise to yourself. When you speak up even though your voice shakes. When you walk away from what does not serve you.
Start with this: write down three things you know you are good at. Not things you have been praised for. Things YOU know. The stuff you do without thinking. That is your foundation.
Then, every time you catch yourself shrinking, ask one question: “What would I do if I believed I was enough?” And then do that thing. Even if it is small. Even if it is scary. Especially if it is scary.
“You do not have to be loud to take up space. You just have to stop apologizing for being here.”
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Self-Worth
Here is the insider tip, the thing nobody says out loud: self-worth is not about confidence. Confidence comes and goes. Some days you will feel unstoppable. Other days you will feel like a mess. That is normal.
Self-worth is about what you tolerate. It is about the boundaries you set and the ones you enforce. It is about what you allow into your life and what you refuse to accept.
You can have a low-confidence day and still have high self-worth. Because confidence is a feeling. Self-worth is a decision. And you get to decide, every single day, that you are worthy of respect, of love, of opportunities, of peace.
Listen, the people who try to make you feel bad for having boundaries? They are the ones who benefited from you not having any. Read that again. Your self-worth is not a threat to the right people — it is a filter for the wrong ones.
Start Here: Your First Step
You do not need to change everything today. You just need to start somewhere. Here is your action for the next 24 hours:
Your 3-Step Self-Worth Reset:
✅ Step 1: Identify one area where you have been shrinking — at work, in a relationship, in your business, or with yourself. Name it.
✅ Step 2: Write down one specific action you can take this week to stop shrinking in that area. Not a big leap. One step.
✅ Step 3: Tell someone. Accountability makes it real. Drop it in the TechMae community or text a friend who gets it.
Your self-worth is not something you have to fight for. It is already yours. You just have to stop giving it away. Stop letting other people’s opinions define you. Stop waiting for permission to be the woman you already are.
You are not behind. You are not too much. You are not asking for too much. You are a woman who is learning to take up space — and that is a beautiful thing.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
You might also love this article – one of our most shared.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
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