Women Are Talking About Anxiety and You Should Too

Sis, if one more person tells you to “just relax” or “take a deep breath” while you are spiraling about that email you sent, that meeting tomorrow, or that thing you said three days ago that nobody else even remembers — you might lose it. And honestly? You would be justified.

Because here is the thing nobody seems to understand: anxiety is not a personality flaw. It is not you being dramatic. It is not something you can just “snap out of” with a candle and a yoga mat. Anxiety is a real, physiological thing happening in your body — and the people telling you to calm down are usually the ones who have never had to white-knuckle their way through a Tuesday just to function.

So let us talk about it. For real. No toxic positivity, no “good vibes only” nonsense. Just the truth about what anxiety actually is, why “calm down” is the worst advice ever, and what actually helps when your brain will not stop screaming at you.

Why “Calm Down” Makes Anxiety Worse

Here is the science behind why that advice backfires. When you are in an anxiety spiral, your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode. Your brain has literally decided you are in danger — even if the “danger” is a performance review or a text from your situationship. Your heart rate is up, your thoughts are racing, and your body is flooded with cortisol.

Now someone tells you to “just calm down.” What happens? Your brain hears: “You are failing at something basic. You should be able to control this. Something is wrong with you.” And that shame spiral makes the anxiety worse. You are not calming down — you are now anxious about being anxious. Yeah, that is a real thing.

The other problem? “Calm down” puts the responsibility on YOU to fix it in the moment, which is exactly what you cannot do when your prefrontal cortex — the part of your brain that handles logic and reasoning — is basically offline. It is like asking someone to do math while their house is on fire.

What Anxiety Actually Feels Like When You Are Trying to Function

Let us get specific, because the people who throw around “calm down” clearly do not get it. Anxiety is not just feeling nervous before a presentation. Anxiety is:

— Replaying a conversation from three weeks ago at 2 AM and physically cringing.
— Checking your bank account five times a day because something might have gone wrong.
— Drafting a text message, deleting it, rewriting it, and then not sending it at all.
— Feeling your chest tighten when your boss says “can we chat?” even though you have done nothing wrong.
— Canceling plans because the thought of small talk makes you want to crawl out of your skin.
— Lying awake because your brain decided tonight is the perfect time to review every mistake you have ever made.

And the wild part? You can be doing all of this while looking completely fine on the outside. You are the one who shows up to work, hits deadlines, cracks jokes in the group chat — and then goes home and falls apart. That is anxiety. It is invisible, exhausting, and it is not something you can just “breathe through.”

What Actually Helps When Anxiety Hits

Okay, so we know “calm down” does not work. What does? Here is the real stuff — not the fluffy advice, but the things that actually make a difference when your nervous system is in overdrive.

1. Move your body — even for 60 seconds. Anxiety is energy stuck in your body. When you are spiraling, your body is flooded with adrenaline that has nowhere to go. Stand up, shake out your arms, do 10 jumping jacks, walk to the bathroom and back. It sounds silly, but giving that energy somewhere to go helps your brain reset. This is why people say “go for a walk” — it is not about the walk, it is about discharging the physical response.

2. Name it out loud. When you are anxious, your brain is in vague, catastrophic mode. “Something bad is going to happen.” Saying it out loud — “I am having an anxiety spiral about the meeting tomorrow” — forces your brain to be specific. And specific things are less scary than vague ones. You are not going to get fired because you said “um” twice. You are not going to die because you sent a text with a period instead of an emoji.

3. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. This is a real technique used in therapy: name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. It sounds basic, but it pulls your brain out of the spiral and back into the present moment. It works because anxiety lives in the future — grounding brings you back to now.

4. Set boundaries around your triggers. If scrolling social media before bed makes your anxiety worse (it does for most of us), stop doing it. If that one coworker who sends passive-aggressive emails makes your chest tight, limit how much you engage. You are not being fragile — you are being smart about protecting your peace.

5. Get professional help if you need it. Therapy is not a luxury. It is not “for people with real problems.” If anxiety is affecting your sleep, your work, your relationships, or your ability to function — that is a real problem. And you deserve real support. There are therapists who specialize in anxiety, apps that connect you with licensed professionals, and even sliding-scale options if cost is a concern. You do not have to figure this out alone.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Anxiety

Here is the insider tip that took me way too long to learn: anxiety is not the enemy. I know that sounds like some wellness influencer nonsense, but hear me out.

Anxiety is your brain trying to protect you. It is overactive, yes. It is exhausting, absolutely. But it is also a signal. It is telling you that something in your life is off — you are overworked, you are in a toxic situation, you are ignoring a boundary that needs to be set, you are not taking care of your basic needs.

When you stop fighting the anxiety and start asking “what is this trying to tell me?” — everything shifts. You stop feeling broken and start feeling like someone who just needs to listen to what your body is saying.

And the people telling you to “calm down”? They mean well. They just do not get it. They have never had to talk themselves out of a spiral in a Target parking lot. They do not know what it is like to have your brain betray you at the worst possible moment. So stop expecting them to understand — and start finding the people who do.

What to Say Instead of “Calm Down”

If you are the one watching someone you love struggle with anxiety, here is what actually helps:

❌ Instead of This	✅ Try This
“Just calm down.”	“I am here. What do you need right now?”
“You are overthinking it.”	“That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”
“It is not a big deal.”	“I can see this is really affecting you.”
“You will be fine.”	“I am not going anywhere. We will get through this.”

The difference is simple: one dismisses the feeling, the other acknowledges it. You do not have to fix someone’s anxiety. You just have to be present with them while they move through it. That is it. That is the whole thing.

Start Here

If you are the one dealing with anxiety, here is your one action for today: identify one thing that makes your anxiety worse — and set a boundary around it. Just one. Maybe it is the news you scroll through every morning. Maybe it is the friend who only calls when they need something. Maybe it is the 47 tabs you keep open on your laptop because you are afraid to close them.

Pick one. Protect yourself from it. And notice how you feel when you do. That is how you start taking your power back — one small boundary at a time.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.

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