“You don’t have a type. You have a pattern. And until you name it, you’ll keep calling it chemistry.”
Listen, if you’re reading this with a pit in your stomach because you already know — you keep attracting the same type of person over and over — this is your sign to sit with that for a second. The patterns in your relationships are not bad luck, and they are not a curse the universe put on you.
They’re feedback. And once you learn to read that feedback, everything shifts.
Maybe it’s the emotionally unavailable guy who texts you at 11pm but can’t plan a date. Maybe it’s the friend who only calls when she needs something. Maybe it’s the boss or the partner who makes you feel small and then calls it “just joking.” Whatever your version is — the patterns are real, and they’re trying to tell you something.
Why the Same Patterns Keep Showing Up
Here’s the part nobody wants to hear: the patterns are not random. They’re familiar. And familiar feels safe, even when it’s actually hurting you.
Psychologists call it repetition compulsion — the idea that we unconsciously recreate dynamics from our past because they feel known, and known feels like home. If you grew up around inconsistency, you’ll feel weirdly calm around inconsistency. If you grew up having to earn love, you’ll chase people who make you earn it. Yeah, that’s wild, right?
So when you say “I keep attracting the same type of person,” what’s actually happening is you’re tolerating the same type of person. There’s a difference. You’re not a magnet for chaos. You just haven’t changed your filter yet.
💡 Quick Tip
Grab your phone and open your last three text threads with people who drained you. Read them like a stranger. What’s the common thread — the “you up?” energy, the constant apologizing, the one-sided effort? That thread is your pattern in writing. Name it out loud.
The Patterns You’re Probably Ignoring
Most women can’t see their own patterns because they’re too close to them. So here’s a checklist. Be honest with yourself:
You confuse intensity with intimacy. Fast, chaotic, “we talked for six hours” energy feels like connection. It’s usually just adrenaline. Slow and steady feels boring until you realize boring is actually peace.
You abandon your standards when you’re lonely. The boundaries you wrote down at 2pm on a Tuesday evaporate at 11pm on a Friday. That’s not a personality flaw — it’s a pattern, and patterns can be broken.
You date potential, not reality. You see who they could be if they just got their act together. Sis, you are not a rehabilitation center. You’re a whole person with a life to build.
You mistake being needed for being loved. If you’re always the fixer, the rescuer, the one who “gets it” — ask yourself what you’re getting back. Patterns of over-giving attract takers. Every time.
You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you tolerate.
💊 What Works: The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest – this book is the one that makes you face your own patterns without shame. It’s blunt, it’s kind, and it will have you journaling at 1am. Keep a pen nearby.
What Actually Works
Okay, so how do you actually break the cycle? You don’t do it by swearing off dating or moving to a new city. You do it by becoming the kind of person who notices the pattern before it costs you months of your life.
1. Write down your last three situationships or friendships that hurt. What did they have in common? Not their looks — their behavior. The way they handled conflict. The way they made you feel about yourself. The pattern will jump out at you.
2. Get clear on your non-negotiables. Not “tall and funny.” Real ones: consistency, emotional availability, honesty even when it’s uncomfortable, respect for your time. Write them down and keep them somewhere you can see them. You cannot spot a red flag if you never defined green ones.
3. Slow down the beginning. Patterns thrive in fast, intense beginnings. Give yourself a 30-day rule before you get emotionally invested. Watch how they show up when there’s no rush. The right people will still be there.
4. Heal the part of you that thinks this is what you deserve. This is the deep work. Therapy, journaling, honest conversations with women who love you. The patterns don’t break at the surface — they break at the root.
The Truth Nobody Tells You
Here’s the insider truth: the moment you start breaking patterns, it gets uncomfortable before it gets better. The people who benefited from the old you will push back. The chaos will feel boring. You’ll wonder if you’re being too picky or too guarded.
You’re not. You’re just not available for the same lesson twice.
And listen, this isn’t just about dating. These patterns show up at work too — the way you keep ending up in the same toxic team, the way you keep saying yes to the same unpaid labor, the way you keep shrinking around the same type of manager. The pattern follows you until you name it.
“Breaking a pattern is not about becoming someone new. It’s about finally choosing the version of yourself you kept abandoning.”
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
Start Here
You don’t need to overhaul your whole life today. You need one move. So here it is: write down your last three painful relationships and find the pattern. Not to shame yourself — to free yourself. Give it 15 minutes. You’ll be surprised how obvious it is once it’s on paper.
Why This Works:
✅ It turns vague feelings into a clear, visible pattern you can name
✅ It gives you language to set boundaries instead of just “feeling off”
✅ It stops the next person from sneaking in under the radar
You might also love this article – one of our most shared.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. Come find your people.
