“The people who are meant for you will never make you feel like you have to shrink yourself to fit into their life.”
Let’s talk about something that has been eating at you, sis. That quiet voice in your head that whispers, “Maybe I am just too much.” Too emotional. Too ambitious. Too loud. Too quiet. Too weird. Too intense. Too something.
Here is the truth that took me way too long to learn: that feeling has nothing to do with your self-worth and everything to do with who you are standing next to. You are not too much. You have just been pouring yourself into cups that were never designed to hold you.
I spent my entire freshman year of college trying to become smaller. I muted my laugh because a roommate said it was “obnoxious.” I stopped talking about my dreams of starting a business because my boyfriend at the time said it was “unrealistic.” I wore clothes that blended in, not because I wanted to, but because standing out felt dangerous. And you know what happened? I was still too much for them. And I was way too little for myself.
Why Your Self-Worth Gets Tied to the Wrong People
Here is the thing nobody tells you about self-worth: it is not something you are born with or without. It is not a fixed number like your GPA or your bank account balance. Your sense of self-worth is like a muscle — and the people around you are either helping you strengthen it or slowly tearing it down.
Think about it. Have you ever left a conversation feeling drained, confused, or like you had to apologize for just existing? That is not a “you” problem. That is a mismatch. When you are with people who are secure in themselves, they do not need you to be smaller so they can feel bigger. They celebrate your wins. They match your energy. They do not make you feel crazy for having feelings.
But when you are with people who are insecure, threatened, or emotionally immature? They will project their own issues onto you every single time. You become the “too much” one so they do not have to look at their own lack of self-worth.
💡 Quick Tip
Try the “Phone Battery” test. After spending time with someone, check in with yourself. Do you feel energized (charged up) or drained (battery at 5%)? People who respect your self-worth will leave you feeling fuller, not emptier. If you consistently feel drained around someone, your gut is telling you something your brain is trying to rationalize away.
I want you to think about the last time someone made you feel “too much.” Maybe it was a friend who rolled her eyes when you got excited about an opportunity. Maybe it was a parent who told you to “calm down” when you were passionate about something. Maybe it was a situationship who said you were “intense” for wanting basic respect and consistency.
Now here is the hard question: why are you still giving that person space in your life? I know, I know — it is not that simple. Maybe it is your roommate and you have a lease. Maybe it is your mom and you love her. Maybe it is your coworker and you have to see her every day. But listen: you can protect your self-worth even when you cannot fully remove someone from your life. You can build boundaries that are like force fields around your energy.
💊 What Works: The Self-Worth Journal by Rachel Hollis – This is not your average journal. It has specific prompts designed to help you untangle your self-worth from other people’s opinions. I recommend it to every young woman who is trying to figure out who she is without the noise. The prompts on “boundaries with difficult people” alone are worth it.
How to Tell If Someone Is Draining Your Self-Worth
Let me give you a framework that changed everything for me. I call it the “Red, Yellow, Green” system for relationships. And girl, I need you to be honest with yourself here. No sugarcoating.
Here is the thing about self-worth — it is not about being invincible. It is about knowing your value so deeply that you stop letting people who cannot see it rent space in your head. And let me tell you, some people are not just renting space. They are living there rent-free, eating all your snacks, and complaining about the Wi-Fi.
85% of young women say they have stayed in a draining friendship or relationship because they were afraid of being alone. Let that sink in. You are shrinking yourself to avoid an empty room.
I remember sitting in my dorm room sophomore year, crying to my mom on the phone because my “best friend” had just told me I was “a lot to handle.” I was devastated. I spent the next three months trying to be less. Less opinionated. Less ambitious. Less present. And you know what happened? I lost myself AND I lost her anyway. Because people who need you to be small were never going to be satisfied no matter how much of yourself you cut away.
That is the cruel joke of it all. You can shrink yourself down to nothing, and the wrong people will still find a reason to complain. Meanwhile, the right people are out there looking for someone exactly like you — full, messy, loud, passionate, complicated, real. But they cannot find you if you are hiding.
What Actually Works: Rebuilding Your Self-Worth After Toxic People
Okay so you have identified the drainers. Maybe you have even started pulling back from them. But now what? How do you actually rebuild your self-worth when it has been battered by years of being told you are too much?
First, let me tell you what does NOT work: waiting for an apology. Closure is a myth. Most people who made you feel small will never acknowledge it. They do not have the self-awareness. And if you wait for them to validate your worth, you will be waiting forever. Your self-worth cannot be dependent on someone else’s apology.
Here is what actually works. And I need you to actually do this, not just read it and scroll past.
The 30-Day Self-Worth Reset:
✅ Day 1-7: The “No Apologizing” Challenge – Catch yourself every time you apologize for existing. “Sorry for talking too much.” “Sorry for being emotional.” “Sorry for having an opinion.” Replace it with “Thank you for listening” or just stop apologizing altogether. You will be shocked how many times a day you say sorry for things that are not wrong.
✅ Day 8-14: The “Full Yes” Experiment – Say yes to one thing every day that your “too much” self would love. Wear the bold lipstick. Speak up in class. Post the photo. Go to the event alone. Do the thing that scares you because it feels like too much. Every time you do, you are telling your brain: “I am safe being seen.”
✅ Day 15-21: The “Energy Audit” – Go through your contacts and categorize every person as “drain,” “fill,” or “neutral.” For one week, limit time with drains (respond slower, shorter convos) and increase time with fillers. Watch how your self-worth shifts when you stop pouring into empty wells.
✅ Day 22-30: The “Future Self” Letter – Write a letter from your future self (one year from now) who has fully embraced her self-worth. What does she do differently? Who does she spend time with? What did she stop tolerating? Read this letter every morning for the last week. It rewires your brain to see your worth as inevitable, not optional.
I did this reset after a really bad breakup in my junior year. I was convinced I was unlovable because my ex had told me I was “too needy” for wanting to see him more than once a week. Spoiler: I was not needy. I was dating someone who was emotionally unavailable. After 30 days of this reset, I started to see that my needs were not too much — they were just too much for him. And that is a very different thing.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Self-Worth
Here is the part they do not put on inspirational Instagram posts. Rebuilding your self-worth is not a straight line. You are going to have days where you slip back into old patterns. You are going to meet new people who trigger the same feelings. You are going to have moments where you wonder if maybe everyone was right and you really are too much.
That is normal. That is human. That does not mean you are broken or that your progress is fake. It means you are healing, and healing is not linear. It is more like a spiral — you pass through the same lessons over and over, but each time you are a little higher, a little stronger, a little more sure of your self-worth.
“You are not too much. You are not too little. You are exactly the right amount of everything you need to be. The only thing that needs to change is who gets access to you.”
I want you to think about the people who make you feel like the best version of yourself. The friend who laughs at your unhinged texts at 2 AM. The professor who tells you your “different” perspective is exactly what the discussion needed. The sibling who calls you out when you are being a little extra but still loves you through it. The coworker who says “actually that is a great idea” when everyone else dismissed it.
Those people? They are your people. They are not rare or impossible to find. They exist. But you have to stop wasting your energy trying to be “enough” for people who are determined to see you as too much. Every minute you spend chasing their approval is a minute you are not spending finding your actual community.
And here is the wildest part: when you stop trying to prove your self-worth to people who do not see it, something magical happens. The right people start showing up. It is like the universe finally gets clear reception because you stopped broadcasting on the wrong frequency.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. We have a whole channel called “Too Much Club” where women share stories exactly like yours — the friend who made them feel small, the boss who dismissed their ideas, the partner who made them feel crazy for having feelings. And you know what happens in that channel? We remind each other that we are not too much. We are just in the wrong rooms.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey. It walks you through exactly how to rediscover who you are after you have been shaped by other people’s opinions. I read it every time I feel myself slipping back into people-pleasing mode.
Start Here: One Thing You Can Do Today
I know this is a lot. I know you might be sitting there thinking “okay but how do I actually DO this?” So let me give you one single action. One thing you can do in the next five minutes that will start shifting your self-worth from theory to reality.
Open your phone. Go to your contacts. Pick one person who consistently makes you feel drained, small, or like you have to perform to be accepted. It could be a friend, an ex, a family member, a coworker. Now mute their notifications. You do not have to block them. You do not have to have a dramatic confrontation. You just have to stop letting them ping you whenever they want access to your energy.
That is it. That is the first step. Because your self-worth is not built in grand gestures. It is built in the small boundaries you set every single day. It is built in the moments where you choose yourself, even when it is uncomfortable. It is built in the quiet decision that you are done being the “too much” girl for people who are not even enough for you.
Why This One Action Works:
✅ It gives you control – You stop being reactive to their texts and start being intentional about when you engage.
✅ It creates space – That silence lets you hear your own voice again, instead of constantly responding to theirs.
✅ It is a declaration – Every time you see their name without a notification, you are reminded: “I chose me today.”
You might also love this article — one of our most shared. It is about building a morning routine that actually fills you up instead of draining you before the day even starts. Because protecting your self-worth is not just about who you let in — it is about how you start your day with yourself.
And listen, I know this is hard. I know there is a part of you that still wants to be liked by everyone. That is not a flaw. That is just your survival instinct. We are wired to want connection. But here is what I need you to hear: the connection that requires you to abandon yourself is not connection. It is captivity.
You are not too much. You have just been in the wrong rooms. And now it is time to find the rooms — and the people — who can handle all of you. Because the world does not need a smaller version of you. It needs the full, unapologetic, sometimes messy, always magnificent version of you that you have been hiding.
And I will be right here cheering you on the whole time.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. They have been the “too much” girl. They have been the one shrinking herself. They have been the one wondering if she will ever feel like she is enough. And they found their people. Come find yours.
