How Solitude Went from Confusing to Life Changing

Sis, let’s talk about solitude — and no, I don’t mean the kind where you’re scrolling TikTok for three hours straight while your roommate is at class. I mean real, intentional, “I am choosing to hang out with myself” alone time.

Here’s the thing nobody tells you about solitude: it is not just about being okay with being alone. It is about genuinely enjoying your own company so much that you stop accepting bad friendships, exhausting situationships, and draining family dynamics just to avoid sitting in a quiet room with yourself. That’s the real flex.

And I know what you are thinking — “But sis, I already spend tons of time alone. I eat lunch by myself sometimes. I study alone. I go home to an empty apartment.” Girl, that is not solitude. That is just being by yourself while your brain is still running on a hamster wheel of anxiety, FOMO, and overthinking. We are going to fix that today.

Why Does Being Alone Feel So Uncomfortable?

Let me break this down for you. When you are constantly surrounded by people — roommates, classmates, coworkers, group chats, family — your nervous system gets used to external validation. You get dopamine hits from texts, likes, and someone laughing at your joke. So when you are suddenly alone, your brain panics. It thinks something is wrong.

But here is what I need you to understand: that panic is not a sign that you need people. It is a sign that you are addicted to distraction. Real solitude is the cure for that addiction, not the cause of it.

Think about it this way — if you cannot sit with yourself for 30 minutes without reaching for your phone, turning on a podcast, or texting someone, you have a relationship problem. And the relationship that needs work is the one you have with yourself.

What Solitude Actually Does to Your Brain

Okay, science moment — but I promise it is relevant to your actual life. When you practice solitude regularly, your brain starts doing something called “default mode network” processing. That is just a fancy way of saying your brain finally gets to sort through all the junk it has been collecting all day.

You know when you are in the shower and suddenly remember something you forgot to do? Or when you are lying in bed and a random creative idea hits you? That is your brain finally having space to process. And you are blocking that every single time you reach for your phone the second you are alone.

A 2019 study from the University of Rochester found that people who practice regular solitude actually report higher levels of creativity, better emotional regulation, and lower stress. Yeah, that is wild, right? Let that sink in. Being alone is literally making you smarter and calmer — but only if you do it right.

How to Actually Enjoy Being Alone (Real Steps)

Alright, let’s get practical. You did not come here for a philosophy lecture. You came here because you want to stop feeling lonely when you are alone, and I have the blueprint.

First, you have to redefine what solitude means to you. Right now, your brain probably associates being alone with being bored, lonely, or left out. We need to rewire that. Solitude is not a punishment. It is a VIP pass to your own company.

Start by making your alone time feel like a date with yourself. Would you take someone on a first date and just sit there scrolling your phone? No. You would plan something. You would put effort in. So why are you treating yourself worse than you would treat a stranger?

Your Solitude Routine (Steal This)

Here is what I want you to try for the next seven days. This is a solitude practice that actually works because it is structured enough to keep you from panicking but flexible enough to feel natural.

Day 1: Go for a walk by yourself. No headphones. No podcast. Just you and the outside world. Look at things. Notice how the air feels. Say hi to a dog if you see one. This is solitude in motion.

Day 2: Take yourself out to eat. Yes, alone. Sit at a restaurant, order your favorite meal, and eat it without looking at your phone. I know it feels awkward at first. Do it anyway. The first time I did this, I almost cried from the discomfort. By the third time, I was genuinely excited about it.

Day 3: Journal for 20 minutes. But not about your day. Write about what you actually want. Not what your mom wants, not what your friends expect, not what your boyfriend thinks. What do YOU want? This is the kind of solitude that changes your entire life trajectory.

Day 4: Do a solo hobby. Paint, draw, write, knit, build something, cook a complicated recipe. The point is to create something with your hands while your mind is quiet. This is active solitude and it is incredibly healing.

Day 5: Turn off your phone for one hour. Not silent mode. Off. Put it in another room. Sit with the silence. If you feel the urge to check it, just notice that urge and let it pass. This is exposure therapy for your solitude muscles.

Day 6: Take yourself on a “date” to a museum, a bookstore, or a park. Plan it like you would plan a real date. Get dressed up. Put on music. Make it special. This is solitude as self-care, not self-isolation.

Day 7: Reflect. Write down what you learned about yourself this week. What did you notice when you stopped distracting yourself? What came up? What felt good? This is the payoff of solitude — you actually start to know yourself.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Solitude

Here is the part that might sting a little. You are probably not avoiding solitude because you are lonely. You are avoiding it because being alone forces you to hear the voice inside your head that you have been running from.

That voice might be telling you that you are behind in life. That you should have figured things out by now. That you are not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. And when you are constantly surrounded by noise, you can drown that voice out. But in solitude, it gets loud.

And that is actually the best thing that can happen to you. Because once you sit with that voice long enough, you realize it is not the truth. It is just fear wearing a disguise. And when you stop running from it, it loses its power over you.

What About Dating and Solitude?

Okay, let me talk to the girl who is reading this and thinking, “But sis, I do not want to be alone. I want a boyfriend. I want friends. I want to be surrounded by people who love me.”

I hear you. And here is the thing — wanting connection is human. That is not the problem. The problem is when you are so afraid of solitude that you settle for people who do not deserve you just to avoid being alone.

Think about every bad situationship you have ever been in. Every friend who drained your energy. Every time you stayed somewhere you should have left. I bet you a hundred dollars that at the root of all of it was a fear of being alone. When you learn to enjoy solitude, you stop accepting less than you deserve because being by yourself actually feels better than being with the wrong person.

That is the secret that nobody tells you. When you genuinely love your own company, your standards go through the roof. And that is exactly where they should be.

Dating While Afraid of Solitude	Dating After You Master Solitude
❌ You text him back immediately even when he treats you badly	✅ You take hours or days to respond because you are busy enjoying your own life
❌ You ignore red flags because being single feels worse	✅ You walk away at the first red flag because your peace is non-negotiable
❌ You lose yourself in relationships	✅ You stay whole and let someone complement your life, not complete it

Solitude in College and Your First Job

If you are in college, solitude is going to feel especially hard because you are literally surrounded by people 24/7. Dorms, dining halls, group projects, parties — it is a constant social pressure cooker. And if you are a young professional, you might be dealing with the opposite problem — coming home to an empty apartment after a long day of pretending to be put together at work.

Here is what I want you to know: solitude is not the same as loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling that you are disconnected from others. Solitude is the feeling of being connected to yourself. You can be lonely in a room full of people, and you can experience profound solitude in an empty room. They are not the same thing.

In college, practice solitude by studying in a coffee shop alone. Not with a friend. Not in a group. Just you and your laptop. In your first job, practice solitude by taking your lunch break alone once a week. Sit somewhere quiet and eat without looking at your phone. These small practices build your solitude muscle over time.

Your Body and Solitude

I also want to talk about something we do not discuss enough — how solitude affects your body. When you are constantly around people, your body is in a low-level state of performance. You are monitoring how you look, how you sound, how you are being perceived. That is exhausting.

In solitude, your body gets to relax. Your shoulders drop. Your jaw unclenches. You breathe deeper. You stop sucking in your stomach. You stop worrying about whether your laugh sounds weird. You just exist. And that is medicine.

I want you to try something. The next time you have a moment of solitude, put your hand on your heart and just breathe for 60 seconds. Notice how your body feels when nobody is watching. That is your natural state. That is peace. And you deserve to feel that way more often.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.