Sis, I need you to sit down for this one. Because I know you have been out there wondering why your situationship feels like a math problem you cannot solve, or why your stomach drops every time your boo’s phone buzzes. You are not crazy. You have just never been taught what healthy relationships actually look like when the cameras are off and the filters are gone.
Let me be real with you for a second. I spent my entire freshman year of college thinking that love was supposed to feel like a panic attack wrapped in a cute text message. I thought the anxiety meant it was “real.” I thought if he did not make me cry at least once a week, I was not doing it right. And girl, I was so wrong. So let us fix that right now.
“Love should not feel like a test you are failing. It should feel like a class you actually want to show up to.”
Why Your Brain Is Lying to You About Love
Here is the thing nobody told us growing up. Your brain literally cannot tell the difference between the adrenaline of danger and the adrenaline of attraction. So when that guy leaves you on read for six hours and your heart is pounding, your brain is screaming “this must be love” when really it is just your nervous system being activated. That is not romance. That is biology gaslighting you.
I wish I had known this at 19. I spent two years chasing a guy who made me feel like I was constantly auditioning for his attention. And I thought that was passion. I thought that was what healthy relationships looked like because every movie I watched showed me that love was supposed to be chaotic and dramatic. But here is the truth: chaos is not chemistry. And drama is not depth.
💡 Quick Tip
Next time you feel that “butterfly” anxiety in your stomach, pause and ask yourself: “Am I excited, or am I scared?” If you cannot tell the difference, that is your cue to slow down. Real love does not make you guess if you are safe.
The Red Flag You Are Probably Ignoring Right Now
Listen, I know you are busy. You have tuition to figure out, a group project that is going nowhere, and your mom keeps asking if you are eating enough vegetables. So I get it if you have been ignoring that little voice in your head about your relationship. But I need you to pay attention to this one thing because it is the biggest predictor of whether you are in healthy relationships or a situationship that is slowly draining your soul.
The red flag is this: how do you feel after you hang up the phone? Not during the conversation. After. Do you feel lighter? Energized? Like you just had a good meal for your heart? Or do you feel confused, drained, like you need to replay everything he said to figure out what he actually meant?
If you are walking away from interactions with your partner feeling smaller than when you started, that is not love. That is emotional debt. And you are paying interest on it every single time you forgive behavior that makes you feel invisible.
73% of young women say they have stayed in a relationship longer than they should have because they did not want to be alone.
Let that sink in. You are not the only one who has done this.
What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Okay, so we have talked about what it is not. Now let me tell you what healthy relationships actually look like when you are not performing for Instagram or trying to prove something to your friends. Because real love is way less cinematic than the movies show you, and way more boring in the best possible way.
Healthy love looks like this: you are studying for your midterms and he brings you snacks without you asking. Not because he wants something. Not because he is trying to be a hero. Just because he noticed you were hungry and he cares. That is it. That is the bar. And somehow we have let that bar drop to the floor.
Healthy love means you can say “I am overwhelmed with my internship applications right now and I need space” and he says “okay, text me when you are free” instead of “wow you are always so distant” or “you do not love me anymore.” Healthy love does not punish you for having a life outside of the relationship. It expands to make room for both of your lives.
And here is something I wish someone had told me at 22: healthy love does not require you to shrink. You do not have to make yourself smaller so he feels bigger. You do not have to dim your success, your opinions, or your ambitions just to keep the peace. The right person will not feel threatened by your glow. They will buy you sunglasses and tell you to shine brighter.
Signs You Are in a Healthy Relationship:
✅ You can disagree without being afraid he will leave or punish you
✅ Your friends and family like who you are when you are with him
✅ You do not have to check his location or read his texts to feel secure
✅ He celebrates your wins like they are his own
✅ You can say no without having to explain yourself for twenty minutes
The Thing Nobody Tells You About Boundaries
Okay, I know “boundaries” has become one of those buzzwords that makes you roll your eyes. But hear me out. Boundaries are not about building walls. They are about knowing where you end and someone else begins. And if you grew up in a household where love felt conditional or chaotic, you probably have no idea what a healthy boundary even feels like.
Here is a real example from my life. I used to answer every text within 30 seconds because I was terrified that if I did not, he would think I was cheating or losing interest. I was literally training him to expect immediate access to me at all times. And when I finally started taking two hours to respond because I was actually living my life, he flipped out. That was not my fault. That was a boundary I was allowed to have.
In healthy relationships, boundaries are not a threat. They are a form of respect. You get to say “I cannot talk after 10 PM because I need to sleep for my 8 AM class” and that is not mean. That is self-preservation. You get to say “I do not want to share my location with you” and that is not suspicious. That is privacy. And if someone cannot handle your boundaries, they are not ready for a real relationship with you or anyone else.
💊 What Works: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – This book will literally rewire how you see yourself in relationships. It helped me stop apologizing for having needs and start showing up as my full self. Every woman in her 20s needs this on her nightstand.
How to Actually Build Healthy Relationships (Step by Step)
Alright, let us get practical because I know you do not have time for theory. You need steps you can actually take this week. Here is exactly what I did when I was done with the chaos and ready for something real. And I am not saying I am perfect now. I still have moments where my old patterns try to creep back in. But these steps changed everything for me.
Step one: Get honest about what you actually want. Not what your mom wants for you. Not what your friends think is cute. Not what the algorithm tells you is relationship goals. Sit down with your journal and write out: “What does a good day with a partner look like to me?” Be specific. Do you want someone who will go to the library with you? Someone who sends you memes at 2 AM? Someone who does not freak out when you need a night alone? Write it down. You cannot build healthy relationships if you do not know what they look like to you.
Step two: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations. Start with the barista who asks if you want a receipt. Say no. Move on to the friend who wants you to go out when you are exhausted. Say no thank you. Build that muscle. Because if you cannot say no to small things, you will never be able to say no to big red flags in a relationship.
Step three: Watch how he talks about his ex. This is the cheat code nobody tells you about. How a man talks about his past relationships tells you everything about how he will talk about you someday. If every ex is “crazy” or “toxic” or “the problem,” guess what? You are going to be the next “crazy” ex. A man who has done the work will say things like “we were not right for each other” or “I had stuff to work through.” That is green flag energy.
Step four: Do not abandon your friends. I know it is tempting to disappear into a relationship. I have done it. We all have. But the healthiest relationships I have ever seen are the ones where both people still have their own friends, their own hobbies, their own lives. You should not be each other’s everything. That is not romantic. That is codependency. Keep your girls. Keep your Saturday morning yoga. Keep your solo trips to Target. Healthy relationships add to your life, they do not become your entire life.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Love and Timing
Here is the part that stings a little. You can be the most healed, most self-aware, most emotionally intelligent woman on the planet and still end up in a relationship that does not work. Because healthy relationships require two people who are both ready. And you cannot control whether he is ready. You cannot love someone into being emotionally available. Trust me, I tried.
I spent 18 months trying to fix a man who did not want to be fixed. I read the books. I sent the articles. I had the conversations. And at the end of it, he still chose to stay the same. That was not my failure. That was his journey. And the most loving thing I could do for myself was walk away.
So if you are reading this and you are in a relationship that is not quite healthy but not quite abusive either — that gray area that makes you feel like you are overreacting — I need you to hear this. You are allowed to leave a relationship that is not bad enough to be a horror story but not good enough to make you happy. You do not need a dramatic reason to choose yourself. “I am not fulfilled” is a complete sentence.
“You are not asking for too much. You are asking the wrong person.”
Start Here: One Thing You Can Do Today
I want you to do something for me. Right now. Open your notes app or grab a piece of paper. Write down three things you need in a relationship to feel safe and respected. Not “he should be tall” or “he should have a car.” I am talking about real needs. “I need to be able to express my feelings without being dismissed.” “I need consistency in communication.” “I need someone who respects my alone time.”
Now look at your current situation or your last relationship. Did those needs get met? If the answer is no, that is not a reflection of your worth. That is information. And information is power. You now know what you are looking for, and you will never settle for less again.
Why This Works:
✅ Writing down your needs makes them real instead of abstract
✅ You stop accepting breadcrumbs because you know what a full meal looks like
✅ Your brain starts filtering potential partners through your actual standards instead of your fears
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. Because we are all figuring this out together, and nobody should have to do it alone.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey. It will help you untangle the stories you have been telling yourself about love and start writing a new one.
You might also love this article — one of our most shared. Because financial independence is the best love story you can have with yourself.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. We have cried over the same guys, questioned the same decisions, and celebrated the same breakthroughs. Come find your people. We have been waiting for you.
You have got this, sis. Now go be the woman who knows her worth and acts like it. The right love will meet you there.
