I Tried Toxic Friendship for 30 Days and Here Is What Happened

Listen, sis. I need to talk to you about something that literally kept me up at night during my sophomore year of college — and I know you have felt it too. That knot in your stomach when your phone buzzes and you see her name pop up. That quiet voice in your head that whispers, wait, is this actually a toxic friendship?

Here is the thing about a toxic friendship — it does not always look like what you see in movies. It is not always screaming matches or dramatic betrayals. Sometimes it is the friend who “jokes” about your weight every time you eat carbs. Sometimes it is the roommate who rolls her eyes when you get an A. Sometimes it is the girl from your study group who only texts you when she needs your notes.

And the worst part? You probably already know something is off. But you keep making excuses because she was your person during freshman orientation, or because you have known her since middle school, or because you are scared of being alone in a new city. I get it. I have been there. But staying in a toxic friendship is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It does not work that way.

What Actually Counts as a Toxic Friendship?

Let me break this down for you because I think we get confused sometimes. A toxic friendship is any relationship where you consistently feel worse about yourself after spending time with that person. It is not about one bad day or one argument — we all have those. It is about a pattern of behavior that drains your energy, messes with your confidence, and makes you question your own reality.

Here is what researchers actually found: according to a 2022 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people who stay in toxic friendships experience higher levels of cortisol (that is your stress hormone) and lower levels of self-esteem. Yeah, that is wild right? Your body literally knows before your brain does. Your nervous system is screaming at you, but your heart keeps saying “but she is my friend.”

Let that sink in for a second. You are not alone in this. So many of us have been there, and we stayed way longer than we should have because we did not know what a healthy friendship was supposed to look like. So let me show you.

5 Signs You Are in a Toxic Friendship (That You Are Probably Ignoring)

I am going to be real with you — these are the signs I ignored for two years with a friend I met during my first job out of college. I wish someone had told me this earlier, so I am telling you now.

1. The Energy Exchange Is Completely One-Sided

Think about the last five times you texted her. How many of those conversations were about her problems? How many times did she ask how YOU were doing? A toxic friendship often feels like you are an unpaid therapist, a cheerleader, and a crisis manager all rolled into one — and she is just showing up to dump her emotional baggage on you.

I remember this one friend who would call me at 2 AM crying about her boyfriend, and I would stay on the phone for two hours. But when I got accepted into my dream internship? She said “cool” and changed the subject back to her drama. That is not friendship. That is emotional labor, and you are not getting paid for it.

2. She Competes With You Instead of Celebrating You

This one is sneaky because it comes wrapped in a smile. She says “congrats” but her eyes do not match her words. Or she one-ups everything you accomplish. You got a promotion? She got a better one. You lost 10 pounds? She lost 15. You got into grad school? Well, she got a full ride somewhere else.

A toxic friendship often feels like you are in a race you never signed up for. And the exhausting part is that you start hiding your wins because you do not want to deal with her reaction. That is not a friend. A real friend makes your wins feel like her wins too.

3. You Walk on Eggshells Around Her

This was the biggest one for me. I would literally rehearse what I was going to say before I saw her. I would avoid certain topics because I knew she would get defensive or turn it around on me. I would apologize for things that were not my fault just to keep the peace.

If you are constantly monitoring your words and actions to avoid setting someone off, that is a toxic friendship. Friendships should be a safe space, not a minefield. You should be able to say “hey, that hurt my feelings” without her making you feel crazy for having feelings.

4. She Guilt-Trips You for Having Other Friends or a Life

This is a huge red flag, especially in your early 20s when you are trying to build your network, date, and figure out your career. A toxic friendship will make you feel bad for having other people in your life. She will say things like “you changed” or “you think you are too good for us now” or “I guess I am just not a priority.”

Here is the truth: you are allowed to outgrow people. You are allowed to make new friends at your new job, in your new classes, or in your new city. A real friend is happy that you are building a full life. A toxic friend wants you to stay small so she does not feel left behind.

5. She Dismisses Your Boundaries

You say you cannot hang out because you have a deadline? She shows up at your door anyway. You say you do not want to talk about your ex? She brings him up every conversation. You say you are trying to save money? She pressures you into going out and spending.

A toxic friendship does not respect your “no.” And listen, boundaries are not mean. They are not rude. They are the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for a relationship. If someone cannot handle you having boundaries, they are not your friend — they are a user.

What Actually Works: How to Handle a Toxic Friendship

Okay, so you have identified the signs. Now what? Because I know you are thinking, “But she has been my friend for years” or “What if I am overreacting?” Let me give you a step-by-step that actually works.

Step 1: Name It to Yourself First

Before you say anything to her, you need to be honest with yourself. Write it down. Say it out loud. “I am in a toxic friendship with [name].” It feels scary, but naming it gives you power. You cannot fix what you do not acknowledge.

Step 2: Distance Before Confrontation

I actually do not recommend having a big dramatic conversation right away. Not because you are avoiding it, but because you need clarity first. Pull back for a week or two. Do not initiate plans. Respond but do not overextend. See how she reacts. Does she even notice? Does she reach out? Does she get angry?

This distance will show you a lot. If she does not reach out at all — that tells you something. If she reaches out only when she needs something — that tells you something too. Use this time to observe the pattern.

Step 3: Have the Conversation (If You Want To)

Here is the thing — you do not owe anyone an explanation for protecting your peace. But if you want to give the friendship a chance to heal, you can have a conversation. Use “I” statements so it does not sound like an attack. Say something like:

“I have been feeling really drained in our friendship lately. I love you, but I need to be honest that I feel like our conversations are often one-sided, and I have been feeling unheard. I want to work on this if you do too.”

How she responds will tell you everything. If she gets defensive, blames you, or makes you feel crazy — that is your answer. A real friend says, “I had no idea, thank you for telling me, let us figure this out.”

Step 4: Grieve and Move Forward

This is the part nobody talks about. Even if the friendship was toxic, letting go hurts. You are grieving the good times, the inside jokes, the person you thought she was. That is normal. Give yourself permission to be sad about it.

But here is what I need you to know: letting go of a toxic friendship does not mean you are giving up. It means you are choosing yourself. It means you are making room for friendships that actually fill your cup instead of draining it. And those friendships exist. I promise you.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Toxic Friendships

Here is the raw truth: sometimes the most toxic friendship you have is with yourself. Think about it. Do you talk to yourself the way you would never let a friend talk to you? Do you hold yourself to standards you would never put on someone else? Do you stay in situations that hurt you because you do not think you deserve better?

I asked my therapist this once, and she said something that broke me open: “The way you let people treat you is the way you are treating yourself.” If you accept a toxic friendship, it is often because somewhere deep down, you do not believe you deserve better. And that is not your fault — it is something the world taught you. But you can unlearn it.

That is the hard truth about a toxic friendship. It often reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So as you work on letting go of the wrong friends, also work on becoming a better friend to yourself. That is the foundation everything else is built on.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. We talk about the friendships that broke us, the ones that saved us, and how to tell the difference before you waste years of your life.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey. It will help you get clear on what you actually need in a friendship.

Start Here: One Thing You Can Do Today

I do not want you to just read this and feel sad. I want you to do something. Here is your one action step for today:

Open your phone, go to your contacts, and look at your five most frequent conversations. Ask yourself honestly: does this person make me feel seen, supported, and safe? Or do I feel drained, anxious, or small after I talk to them?

If you realize you are in a toxic friendship, send yourself a voice note right now saying what you need to say. You do not have to send it to her. But you need to hear yourself say it. That is the first step to reclaiming your power.

You might also love this article — one of our most shared. It is about building financial independence so you never have to depend on anyone who does not have your best interest at heart.

Listen, I know this is hard. I know you might be reading this with tears in your eyes because you are thinking about a specific name. I have been there. But I also know that on the other side of letting go of a toxic friendship is space for something real. Something that does not make you question your worth. Something that feels like home.

You deserve friendships that make you feel like the sun is shining out of your chest. Not friendships that make you feel like you have to shrink to fit into their orbit. And the only way to find those friendships is to clear out the ones that are blocking the light.