Read This Before You Give Up on Forgiveness

Sis, let me tell you something I wish someone had told me when I was 19 and crying in my dorm room over a friend who completely betrayed me. Forgiveness is not for them. It is for you. And I know that sounds like a cheesy quote on a Pinterest board, but girl, it is the realest thing I have ever learned.

When you hold onto anger, resentment, and bitterness, who do you think it hurts more? The person who wronged you is probably out living their life, not thinking about you. Meanwhile, you are carrying that weight around like a backpack full of bricks. It shows up in your stress levels, your sleep, your skin, your grades, your work performance. That is not justice. That is self-sabotage.

Now, I am not saying you need to become besties with the ex who ghosted you, the friend who talked behind your back, or the parent who let you down. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It does not mean what they did was okay. It means you are choosing to stop letting them live rent-free in your head. And that is a power move.

Why Is Forgiveness So Hard for Us?

Let us be real for a second. When someone hurts you, your brain wants to replay the situation over and over. It is like your mind is stuck on a loop. You think, “If I just replay it enough, I will find the moment where I could have stopped it, or I will finally get the apology I deserve.” But here is the truth: that loop is keeping you stuck in the past, and it is stealing your present.

The reason forgiveness feels impossible is because we confuse it with weakness. We think that if we forgive, we are saying, “What you did was fine.” Absolutely not. You can forgive someone and still set the firmest boundary of your life. You can forgive your ex for cheating and still block them on everything. You can forgive your friend for the betrayal and still decide the friendship is over. Forgiveness is about your healing, not their redemption.

I remember sitting in my therapist’s office at 22, sobbing about a friendship that had ended horribly. I was holding onto so much anger that I could not focus on my job search. I was snapping at my roommates. My body was literally breaking down from the stress. And my therapist looked at me and said, “You are drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” That hit me like a truck. I was the only one suffering from my refusal to forgive.

The Science of Letting Go

Okay, I am about to drop some real info on you. Holding onto grudges actually changes your brain chemistry. When you replay a painful memory, your brain releases cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline. Your body thinks you are still in danger, even if the event happened years ago. That is why you feel that knot in your stomach every time you think about them.

On the flip side, when you practice forgiveness, your brain releases serotonin and oxytocin — the feel-good and bonding hormones. Your blood pressure drops. Your muscles relax. You sleep better. You literally become healthier. There is a study from the Journal of Behavioral Medicine that found people who practice forgiveness have lower rates of depression, anxiety, and even heart disease. Yeah, that is wild, right? Let that sink in. Your refusal to forgive is actually making you sick.

So if you are sitting there thinking, “But she really did me dirty, and she does not deserve my forgiveness,” I hear you. I really do. But here is the thing: forgiveness is not about what they deserve. It is about what you deserve. And you deserve to be free from the weight of that resentment. You deserve to wake up and not feel that pit in your stomach. You deserve to move forward without looking back.

What Actually Works: A Step-by-Step Guide to Forgiveness

Alright, enough theory. Let us talk about what you can actually DO today. Because I know you are busy. You have exams, a job, friends, family drama, and you are trying to figure out your whole life. You do not have time for vague advice. You need steps.

Step 1: Name the hurt. Be specific. Do not just say, “I am angry.” Say, “I am angry because my roommate took my clothes without asking and then denied it when I confronted her. I feel disrespected and gaslit.” When you name it, you take away its power. It goes from a vague fog of anger to a specific thing you can actually process.

Step 2: Acknowledge your part. Now, I know you might not want to hear this, but rarely is it 100% one person’s fault. Did you ignore red flags? Did you not set a boundary when you should have? Did you stay in the situation longer than you should have? This is not about blaming yourself. It is about taking back your power. When you see your part, you can make sure you never repeat it.

Step 3: Write a forgiveness letter you will never send. This is the most powerful thing you can do. Get a notebook, open a Google Doc, whatever. Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Tell them everything. The anger, the sadness, the disappointment. Then, at the end, write, “I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I deserve peace.” Then close the document, or rip up the paper, or burn it. The act of writing it physically gets it out of your body.

Step 4: Create a forgiveness ritual. This sounds fancy, but it is simple. Light a candle. Say out loud, “I release this hurt. I choose forgiveness for my own healing.” You can do this in the shower, on a walk, or sitting in your car. The key is saying it out loud. Your brain processes spoken words differently than thoughts. When you speak it, you are telling your nervous system that the event is over.

Step 5: Replace the story. Every time you catch yourself replaying the hurt, consciously replace it with a new thought. Instead of “She betrayed me,” say, “I learned who she really was, and I am grateful I know now.” Instead of “He broke my heart,” say, “That relationship taught me what I will never tolerate again.” It takes practice, but eventually, the new story becomes the default.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Forgiveness

Here is the part that nobody talks about: forgiveness is not a one-time thing. It is a practice. You are going to forgive someone, and then three weeks later, something will trigger you, and you will feel angry all over again. That is normal. That does not mean your forgiveness did not work. It means you are human.

When that happens, do not beat yourself up. Do not say, “I thought I already dealt with this.” Just take a breath and say, “I forgive them again. I release this again.” Each time you do it, the resentment has less power over you. Eventually, it fades to a whisper, and then one day, you realize you have not thought about them in months. That is freedom.

I also want to talk about self-forgiveness, because we rarely talk about that. You are probably holding onto a lot of shame about things you did or did not do. You are mad at yourself for staying too long, for not speaking up, for making the wrong choice. Sis, you have to forgive yourself too. You were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. You are not the same person now. Let the old you off the hook.

Think about that for a second. You are probably holding onto anger because you wish things had gone differently. You wish they had apologized. You wish they had chosen you. You wish you had left sooner. But the past is done. It cannot change. The only thing you can change is your relationship to it. And that is where forgiveness comes in.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. We talk about the hard stuff — the breakups, the family drama, the career setbacks, the moments when you feel like you are failing at everything. And we do it without the fake positivity. Just real talk from women who get it.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey. It walks you through exactly how to use journaling to process emotions and find clarity — including a specific prompt for working through forgiveness.

Start Here: Your Forgiveness Action Plan

I am going to make this really simple for you. You do not need to read 10 books or go on a silent retreat. You just need to do ONE thing today. Here it is:

Take out your phone right now. Open your notes app. Write down the name of one person you need to forgive. It could be an ex, a friend, a parent, or yourself. Then write this sentence: “I forgive you, not because you deserve it, but because I deserve peace.” Read it out loud three times. That is it. That is your first step.

If you want to take it further, here is a challenge for you. For the next 7 days, every time you think about the person who hurt you, take a deep breath and say, “I release this. I choose peace.” Do it in the morning. Do it before bed. Do it when you are in the shower. By day 7, you will notice that the thought does not sting as much. The memory does not have the same power over you. That is forgiveness working.

And if you are struggling with forgiving yourself? Write yourself a letter. Tell your younger self, “You did not know then what you know now. You were doing your best. I forgive you. I love you. We are going to be okay.” Read it out loud. Cry if you need to. Let yourself off the hook. You have been carrying that guilt long enough.

One more thing. Forgiveness is not a straight line. Some days you will feel free, and some days you will feel the anger bubble up again. That is okay. That is part of the process. Do not use a setback as proof that forgiveness does not work. Use it as a reminder to practice again. The more you practice, the easier it gets. And one day, you will realize that you are living your life without the weight of the past holding you down. And that is the whole point.

You might also love this article – one of our most shared. It is about building a morning routine that actually works for your energy, not some influencer’s unrealistic 5 AM routine. Real women, real results.

Sis, I am so proud of you for even reading this far. It means you are ready to let go. It means you are tired of carrying that weight. And that is the first step. You are not behind. You are not broken. You are just a woman who is ready to be free. And I promise you, on the other side of forgiveness, there is so much more room for joy, for love, for peace, and for the life you are actually meant to live.

Now go write that note. Say those words. And let yourself off the hook. You deserve it.