The Friendships Conversation We Need to Have Right Now

Okay sis, let’s talk about something nobody warned us about: making friendships as an adult woman. You probably thought by now you’d have that core group from college or your first job, right? The ones you text memes to at 2 AM, the ones who show up with takeout when you’re crying over a situationship.

But here you are. Scrolling through your phone on a Friday night. Realizing the group chat went quiet after graduation. Wondering if it’s even possible to build real friendships at this stage. And honestly? It feels weird and awkward and you’re not sure where to start.

Girl, I need you to hear this: you are not alone, and you are not behind. A 2023 survey from Cigna found that 61% of young adults aged 18-25 report feeling lonely on a regular basis. Yeah, that is wild right? More than half of us are in the same boat, silently wondering if everyone else has it figured out. They don’t. Let that sink in.

Why Making Friendships After 22 Feels So Hard

Here’s the thing nobody tells you about adult friendships: they require a completely different skill set than the ones you built in high school or college. Back then, friendships were almost automatic. You sat next to someone in class. You lived in the same dorm. You were forced into the same spaces every single day.

Now? You have to be intentional. You have to be vulnerable. You have to put yourself out there in ways that feel terrifying. And you have to do it while juggling tuition payments, a job that drains you, roommate drama, and the constant pressure to have your life together for social media.

The reality is that adult friendships take effort. A study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that it takes about 50 hours of time together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, and over 200 hours to become close friends. That’s a lot of coffee dates and shared experiences. But it’s also proof that the friendships you want are possible if you’re willing to show up consistently.

The Friendship Formula Nobody Taught You

Let me break this down for you like the big sister you deserve. Making friendships as an adult isn’t about being the most charismatic person in the room. It’s not about having a perfect Instagram life or a huge social circle. It’s about three things: proximity, repetition, and vulnerability.

Proximity means you have to be in spaces where potential friends exist. That could be a workout class, a book club, a coworking space, a volunteering event, or even a Discord server for your favorite show. You cannot make friendships from your bedroom. I know that’s harsh, but it’s true. You have to show up.

Repetition means you have to keep showing up. The first time you go to a yoga class, nobody talks to you. The fifth time? Someone asks if you want to grab smoothies after. Friendships are built in the in-between moments, the small talk that turns into real talk over weeks and months.

Vulnerability means you have to take the risk of being known. You have to share something real about yourself before you feel ready. You have to ask someone deeper questions than “how was your weekend.” You have to let them see the messy parts of you, not just the highlight reel.

Where to Actually Find Your People

Okay, so you’re convinced you need to put yourself out there. But where? Let me give you some specific, actionable places where real friendships are happening right now for women your age.

Bumble BFF. I know, I know. It feels weird to “date” for friends. But sis, it works. Millions of women are on there for the exact same reason you are. The key is to move from the app to real life within a week. Don’t be a pen pal. Suggest a coffee shop, a farmer’s market, or a museum. The awkwardness fades after the first five minutes.

Local workout classes. Group fitness is basically a friendship factory. You’re all suffering together, which creates an instant bond. Try a reformer Pilates studio, a run club, or a cycling class. Go at the same time every week. Eventually, you’ll start chatting with the regulars. Invite one to grab a smoothie after class.

Book clubs. Not the stuffy ones from movies. Look for book clubs at local coffee shops, libraries, or on Meetup.com. Even better, start one yourself. Post on your Instagram story or in a local Facebook group: “Starting a book club for women in their 20s. First book is [something you actually want to read]. DM me if you’re in.” You’ll be surprised how many people are waiting for someone else to make the first move.

Volunteering. Animal shelters, food banks, mentorship programs. When you volunteer, you’re around people who care about the same things you do. That shared value system is a shortcut to meaningful friendships. Plus, you’re doing good in the world. Win-win.

Online communities that go offline. There are so many digital spaces for women now. TechMae is one of them. But the magic happens when you take those connections offline. Find a local chapter of a group you love, or organize a meetup yourself. Send a message to someone whose posts you vibe with and say, “Hey, I loved what you said about [topic]. Want to grab coffee this week?”

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Friendships

Here’s the part that might sting a little, but you need to hear it. Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some friendships are for a season. Some are for a specific purpose. And some are for a lifetime. The trick is knowing the difference and not forcing something that’s run its course.

You’re going to outgrow people. You’re going to realize that some friendships were built on proximity (you sat next to each other in sophomore year) rather than genuine alignment. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean those friendships were fake. It means you’re evolving, and your circle should evolve with you.

The women who will become your real friends are the ones who celebrate your growth instead of feeling threatened by it. They’re the ones who cheer when you get the job, get the scholarship, or finally leave the toxic situationship. They’re the ones who text you just because they were thinking of you, not because they need something.

How to Be the Friend You Want to Attract

This is the part that changed everything for me. I spent years wondering why I couldn’t find good friendships, until I realized I wasn’t being a good friend myself. I was showing up as the version of me that was guarded, performative, and afraid of rejection. I was waiting for someone else to make the first move, to be vulnerable first, to plan the hangout.

You want friendships where people are real with you? You have to be real first. You want friends who show up for you? You have to show up for them. You want a community that feels like home? You have to start building it.

Here are some specific ways to be a better friend starting today:

The Friendship Script: What to Actually Say

One of the biggest barriers to making friendships is not knowing what to say. You’re overthinking it, I promise. Here are some actual scripts you can use that take the pressure off.

To someone you see regularly: “Hey, I feel like we always chat in this class and I’d love to actually hang out. Want to grab coffee this week?”

To someone you met once and vibed with: “I really enjoyed talking to you at [event]. I’d love to continue the conversation. Are you free for a walk or coffee sometime?”

To someone you follow online who lives nearby: “I love your content. I’m also in [city]. If you ever want to grab a drink or explore a new spot, I’d be down.”

To an acquaintance you want to get closer to: “I’m planning to check out [new restaurant/museum/hike] this weekend. Want to come with me?”

The key is to be specific about the activity and the time. “We should hang out sometime” never leads to anything. “I’m going to the farmer’s market Saturday at 10 AM, want to join?” is an actual plan.

What to Do When Friendships Feel One-Sided

This is a hard one, and I need you to listen carefully. You cannot force someone to be your friend. If you’re always the one initiating, always the one planning, always the one reaching out, and they never reciprocate, that’s not a friendship. That’s you performing friendship for someone who doesn’t value it.

Here’s a rule I live by: give people three chances. Reach out three times. Plan three hangouts. If they don’t reciprocate after that, pull your energy back. It’s not about keeping score. It’s about protecting your peace and investing your time in people who actually want to be in your life.

The right friendships won’t feel like you’re begging for someone’s attention. They’ll feel mutual. They’ll feel easy. Not effortless — nothing worthwhile is effortless — but easy in the sense that you don’t have to twist yourself into a pretzel to be loved by them.

One-Sided Friendship	Mutual Friendship
❌ You always text first	✅ They reach out too
❌ You do all the planning	✅ They suggest ideas too
❌ You feel drained after talking to them	✅ You feel energized and seen
❌ They cancel last minute often	✅ They respect your time

The Social Media Trap

Can we talk about how social media messes with your perception of friendships? You scroll through Instagram and see groups of girls laughing at brunch, matching outfits at concerts, celebrating birthdays together. And you feel like you’re missing out on something everyone else has.

But here’s what you don’t see: the fights, the awkward silences, the friendships that are performative for the camera. You don’t see the girl who feels lonely in a room full of people. You don’t see the friendships that are held together by obligation rather than genuine connection.

Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s also the thief of friendships. When you’re constantly comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel, you start to believe you’re not enough. And when you believe you’re not enough, you show up to potential friendships with scarcity energy instead of abundance energy.

Real talk: some of the deepest friendships I’ve ever had started in the most mundane ways. A study buddy who became a soul sister. A coworker I bonded with over the terrible office coffee. A girl I met at a workshop who was also going through a breakup. The friendships that changed my life didn’t look Instagrammable at first. They looked like two awkward humans deciding to be brave together.

Start Here: Your 7-Day Friendship Challenge

Okay, enough talking. Let’s get you into action. Here’s a 7-day challenge that will actually move the needle on your friendships. Do one thing each day, and I promise you’ll feel a shift.

Day 1: Text one person you haven’t talked to in a while. Just a simple “Hey, I was thinking about you. Hope you’re doing well.”

Day 2: Go to a public space alone. A coffee shop, a park, a library. Put your phone away. Make eye contact with someone. Smile. That’s it.

Day 3: Sign up for one event this week. A workout class, a book club, a meetup. Commit to going, even if you’re nervous.

Day 4: Compliment a stranger. “I love your bag.” “That color looks amazing on you.” It breaks the ice and makes you feel more connected to the world around you.

Day 5: Ask someone a deeper question. Instead of “How are you?” try “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What are you excited about right now?”

Day 6: Invite someone to do something specific. “I’m going to [place] on [day]. Want to come?” Make it low pressure and easy to say yes to.

Day 7: Reflect on what you learned. What felt scary? What felt good? What do you want to keep doing?

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real. The conversations about friendships, about loneliness, about the fear of putting yourself out there — they’re happening in our community right now, and you are welcome there.

Related: This post on morning routines for sustainable energy is a must-read for women on their journey. Because when you feel good in your own body, you show up differently in your friendships.

Start Here

I’m going to give you one clear action you can take right now, this very minute. Open your phone. Go to your contacts. Find someone you’ve been meaning to reconnect with but haven’t. Send them this exact text:

“Hey! I was just thinking about you and realized it’s been too long. How are you doing? I’d love to catch up soon.”

That’s it. That’s the whole action. One text. It takes 30 seconds. And it could be the start of a friendship that changes your life. You’ll never know until you try.

You might also love this article on building confidence — one of our most shared. Because confidence is the secret ingredient to every meaningful friendship you’ll ever have.