Toxic Friendship Secrets Women Share Behind Closed Doors

Let’s be real for a second, sis. You know that sinking feeling in your chest when you see her name pop up on your phone. That little knot in your stomach when she asks to hang out. The way you feel drained instead of energized after you spend time together.

That is not anxiety you need to push through. That is your gut telling you something is off. And if you are here reading this, chances are you are questioning whether you are in a toxic friendship right now.

Here is the thing — we talk so much about toxic relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends, but nobody prepares you for the friend who slowly chips away at your confidence while calling herself your “bestie.” A toxic friendship can mess with your self-worth just as badly as a bad romantic relationship. Sometimes worse, because you are supposed to be able to trust your girls.

So let’s get into it. I am going to break down the signs you are ignoring, the excuses you are making for her, and exactly what to do about it. No fluff. Just real talk from someone who has been through it and is not going to sugarcoat anything.

You Feel Worse After You Hang Out, Not Better

This is the biggest one, and honestly it is the only sign you actually need to pay attention to. Think about the last time you hung out with this friend. How did you feel on the drive home? Did you feel lighter, heard, and seen? Or did you feel like you just gave a therapy session without getting one back?

A toxic friendship will leave you feeling emotionally exhausted. You might not even be able to put your finger on why. You just know that something felt… off. Maybe she spent the whole time talking about herself. Maybe she made a comment about your outfit that stung a little. Maybe she dismissed something important you were going through.

Here is a rule I live by now: if you feel worse after spending time with someone than you did before, that is not a friendship. That is emotional labor you are not getting paid for.

She Competes With You Instead of Celebrating You

You got an internship you were excited about? She had a “well actually” moment. You lost 5 pounds and feel good? She mentions how she could never gain weight in the first place. You got a 4.0? She reminds you that her cousin got a scholarship to a better school.

Listen, a real friend celebrates your wins like they are her own. A toxic friendship turns every good thing in your life into a competition you did not sign up for. And the worst part? She probably does not even realize she is doing it. Or maybe she does. Either way, it is not your job to fix her insecurity by dimming your own light.

I remember being in college and getting a writing award that I worked my ass off for. My “friend” at the time said, “Oh, that is cool. I probably would have won if I had submitted something.” Not a single congratulations. Just a reminder that she thought she was better than me. That was the moment I started paying attention to the pattern.

She Only Shows Up When She Needs Something

You know the type. She texts you at 2 AM crying about her situationship and you drop everything to talk her down. You help her edit her resume. You lend her money for lunch. You drive 30 minutes to pick her up when her car breaks down.

But when you need something? Crickets. She is “busy.” She has “a lot going on.” She “forgot to text back.” A toxic friendship is a one-way street where you are the one doing all the giving and she is the one doing all the taking.

Here is a hard truth: if you stopped reaching out first, would you ever hear from her? If the answer is no, or if she only reaches out when she needs a favor, you are not her friend. You are her resource. And you deserve to be someone’s priority, not their backup plan.

Yeah, that is wild right? Let that sink in for a second. Three out of four of us have stayed in a toxic friendship out of guilt. Guilt that we are being too sensitive. Guilt that she has been through a lot. Guilt that we have been friends since middle school. Guilt is not a good enough reason to keep someone in your life who makes you feel small.

She Gossips About Other People to You (And Probably About You Too)

Here is a rule I learned the hard way: if someone is comfortable gossiping with you, they are comfortable gossiping about you. Think about it. She tells you all the tea about your other friends. She talks about her roommate behind her back. She has something negative to say about almost everyone.

What makes you think you are the exception? A toxic friendship often comes with a side of gossip that feels bonding in the moment but is actually a huge red flag. The same way she talks to you about other people is exactly how she talks about you when you are not in the room.

And honestly? Even if she never talks badly about you specifically, the fact that she spends so much energy tearing other people down says a lot about her character. You are the company you keep, girl. If you are surrounded by negativity all the time, it is going to start affecting your own mindset without you even realizing it.

She Dismisses Your Feelings and Makes Everything About Her

You are going through something hard. Maybe you failed a class. Maybe your parents are going through a divorce. Maybe you are struggling with your mental health. You finally work up the courage to open up to her, and she responds with… a story about herself. Or worse, she tells you to “just get over it” or that “it is not that deep.”

A toxic friendship will have you questioning whether your feelings are even valid. You start to think, “Maybe I am being dramatic. Maybe it really is not that big of a deal.” But here is the thing — your feelings are valid regardless of how she responds to them. A real friend holds space for you. She does not minimize your experience just because she cannot handle sitting with someone else’s discomfort.

And if you find yourself constantly apologizing for having feelings? That is a massive red flag. You should not have to shrink yourself to make someone else comfortable.

Toxic Friend Response	Real Friend Response
❌ “That sucks but let me tell you about my situation”	✅ “Tell me everything. I am here for you.”
❌ “You are overreacting”	✅ “Your feelings make sense. That sounds really hard.”
❌ “At least you do not have my problems”	✅ “Both of our struggles can exist at the same time.”
❌ Changes the subject immediately	✅ Asks follow-up questions and checks in later

She Makes You Feel Like You Have to Earn Her Approval

This one is subtle but so damaging. She withholds affection or approval until you do something she wants. She gives you the silent treatment when you disagree with her. She makes you feel like you have to prove your loyalty to her constantly. A toxic friendship operates on a dynamic where you are always trying to get back in her good graces.

Friendship is not supposed to feel like a job interview that never ends. You should not have to walk on eggshells wondering if today is the day she decides she is mad at you for something you did not even know you did.

I had a friend in college who would literally stop talking to me for days at a time if I made plans without her. She would post on social media hanging out with other people, clearly trying to make me feel left out. And I would scramble to apologize for… existing? It took me way too long to realize that her behavior was manipulative, not something I needed to fix by being a “better friend.”

What Actually Works: How to Handle a Toxic Friendship

Okay so you have identified the signs. Now what? You cannot just ghost everyone who shows a red flag — that is not realistic. But you also cannot keep letting a toxic friendship drain your energy. Here is what actually works.

First, start with a boundary. You do not have to have a dramatic confrontation if you are not ready for that. You can simply start pulling back. Take longer to respond to texts. Say no to plans when you do not feel like it. Stop over-explaining yourself. Boundaries are not mean — they are necessary.

Second, get clear on what you need from a friendship. Write it down if you have to. “I need friends who celebrate my wins.” “I need friends who check on me without me asking.” “I need friends who do not make everything a competition.” Once you know what you need, it becomes a lot easier to spot when someone is not meeting that standard.

Third, if you decide to have a conversation about it, keep it simple. You do not need to write a five-page essay. Something like, “Hey, I have noticed that I feel drained after we hang out and I need to take a step back from our friendship for a while to focus on myself.” That is it. You do not owe her a detailed explanation of every time she hurt you. She already knows.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Toxic Friendships

Here is the part nobody talks about. Sometimes you are the one who has to walk away. And it is going to hurt. Even if the friendship was toxic, even if she was not good for you, you are still going to grieve it. You are going to miss the good times. You are going to second-guess yourself. You are going to wonder if you were the problem.

That is normal. That does not mean you made the wrong decision. It just means you are human.

A toxic friendship can last years before you finally realize what is happening. And that is okay. You are not behind. You are not stupid for not seeing it sooner. We are all out here learning as we go, and the fact that you are even questioning this means you are growing.

I want you to think about what your life would look like without this friendship weighing you down. What would you do with all that energy you have been spending on worrying about her? Who could you pour into instead? How much lighter would you feel?

The scariest part of leaving a toxic friendship is the fear of being alone. But here is what I know for sure: being alone is way better than being surrounded by people who make you feel lonely. And when you clear out the wrong people, you make space for the right ones to find you.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey to protecting their peace.

Start Here: One Thing You Can Do Today

I know this is a lot to process. So let me give you one thing you can do right now, today, to start moving forward. Open your phone and look at your recent texts. Find the conversation with this friend. Do not respond. Just look at it.

Notice the ratio. How many messages are you sending compared to her? How many times are you the one starting the conversation? How many times have you apologized for things that were not your fault? How many times have you asked about her life versus her asking about yours?

That is your answer. You do not need a dramatic sign from the universe. The evidence is already in your phone.

And if you are not ready to let go yet, that is okay too. Start with one boundary. One night where you do not answer her text. One time you say no to plans because you do not feel like it. One moment where you choose yourself.

You might also love this article – one of our most shared about finding yourself again after letting go of relationships that were holding you back.

You deserve friendships that fill your cup, not drain it. You deserve to be celebrated, not competed with. You deserve to be heard, not dismissed. And most of all, you deserve to trust yourself enough to know when something is not right.

A toxic friendship can make you forget all of that. But now you know. And knowing is the first step to choosing different. So choose yourself, sis. You have been waiting for permission, and here it is.