Validation: What I Would Tell My Younger Self

Sis, let me ask you something. How much of your day is spent quietly waiting for someone to tell you that you did a good job? A like. A “you look great.” A boss who finally notices. A partner who finally says thank you. A friend who finally responds.

That need for validation is not a character flaw. It is human. We are wired for it. But when your whole sense of self hangs on somebody else’s approval, you are basically handing your power to people who are not even thinking about you.

So let’s talk about it. For real. Because I have watched too many brilliant women shrink themselves, over-explain, over-perform, and over-give just to feel seen — and I am not letting you be one of them.

Why You Keep Seeking Validation (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)

Here is the truth nobody says out loud: most of us were trained to seek validation before we even knew what the word meant. Good grades meant praise. Being “nice” meant approval. Being agreeable meant love. So by the time you are in a meeting or in a relationship, your brain is still running that same old program.

And social media did not help. You post a win and refresh the screen like it is a slot machine. You check who viewed your story. You feel a little dip when the numbers are low. That is not vanity — that is your nervous system looking for proof that you matter.

But here is what I need you to hear: the need for validation gets dangerous when it starts making your decisions for you. When you take the job you do not want because it sounds impressive. When you stay quiet in the negotiation because you do not want to seem “difficult.” When you say yes to plans you are too tired for because you are scared of disappointing people.

The Real Cost of Outsourcing Your Validation

Let me be blunt with you. When you outsource your validation, you give other people the remote control to your mood. Your confidence becomes a group project. And group projects always fall apart, sis.

I have seen women stay in jobs that drained them because the title made them feel validated. I have seen women stay in relationships where they were undervalued because the attention felt like proof they were worthy. I have watched women pour thousands into looking a certain way for an audience that does not even know their last name.

And the worst part? The more you chase validation, the less of it you actually feel. It is a bucket with a hole in it. You fill it, and it leaks. So you fill it again. That is not confidence. That is a cycle.

What Actually Works to Stop Seeking Validation

Alright, so how do you actually break the cycle? Not with a vision board. Not with a mantra you do not believe yet. With small, uncomfortable, repeated actions that retrain your brain to trust itself.

1. Give yourself the validation first — literally, out loud. Sounds corny, but it works. Every morning, before you check your phone, say one thing you did well yesterday. “I handled that client call with grace.” “I set a boundary.” “I showed up even when I did not want to.” You are building a muscle. Give it three weeks.

2. Stop asking for permission you do not need. Notice how often you say “Does this make sense?” “Is that okay?” “Am I being too much?” You are not too much. You are just used to asking people to approve your existence. Start making one decision a day without asking anyone’s opinion. Just yours.

3. Do one thing that only you know about. Here is the hack: build a private win. A workout you did not post. A savings goal you did not announce. A skill you are quietly learning. When you have wins nobody knows about, your validation has to come from you. And that is the kind that sticks.

4. Audit your circle. If the people around you only clap for you when you are struggling, or only show up when they need something, that is not a circle. That is a leak. You are allowed to reduce access without a whole dramatic exit. Just start giving your energy to the people who celebrate you when you are winning too.

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Validation

Here is the insider thing, sis. The people whose validation you are chasing? They are not thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves. That coworker you want to impress is worried about her own review. That person whose approval you want is scrolling their own phone right now. Everyone is the main character in their own movie, and you are a guest star at best.

So all that energy you are pouring into being perceived well? You could be pouring it into being paid well. Into building the business. Into resting. Into your actual life.

And here is the other part nobody says: the moment you stop chasing validation is the moment people start respecting you more. Not because you got colder — because you got clearer. People feel it when you are not performing. It is magnetic. Boundaries are attractive. Self-trust is attractive. Ask any woman who finally stopped explaining herself and watch how her career, relationships, and peace all level up.

And listen — this is not about becoming a loner who trusts nobody. It is about moving your validation from the outside in. You still want love. You still want recognition. You still want your people to celebrate you. But you do not crumble when they do not. That is the goal.

This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.

Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.

Start Here: Your 7-Day Validation Detox

I am not going to leave you with a vibe and no plan. Here is exactly what to do this week. Small moves. Real shifts.

You might also love this article – one of our most shared.

Here is the thing, sis. You are not going to wake up tomorrow and stop caring what people think. That is not how it works. But you will start noticing. And noticing is the beginning of freedom. Every time you catch yourself chasing validation, you get to choose again. That choice is your power.

You are not behind. You are not too much. You are not broken for wanting to be seen. You are just ready to be the one doing the seeing.