“You are not behind. You are just tired of performing for people who were never really watching.”
Sis, let me ask you something. How much of your day is spent chasing validation from people who would not even notice if you disappeared from their feed tomorrow?
I am talking about the way you refresh your messages waiting for a reply. The way you second-guess a decision because your cousin made a face. The way you dress for the group chat instead of for yourself. That is the validation trap, and it is running your life more than you think.
Here is the thing nobody tells you: seeking validation from others is not a character flaw. It is a habit. And habits can be broken. Let me walk you through how to actually do it, because you deserve to move through the world without needing a permission slip from everybody else.
Why You Keep Looking for Approval (And Why It Is Not Your Fault)
You have been trained to seek validation since you were old enough to understand a gold star. Good grades got you praise. Being “nice” got you love. Being agreeable kept the peace. So now, as an adult, you are wired to scan the room for approval before you make a move.
But here is what that wiring is costing you. You stay quiet in meetings because you are scared of sounding dumb. You stay in relationships that drain you because you do not want to be “the one who left.” You stay at jobs that pay you less than you are worth because you are waiting for someone to finally see you and give you the validation you have been starving for.
Let me put a number on it. Research on social approval shows that people who rely heavily on external validation report significantly higher rates of anxiety and decision fatigue. Translation? The more you need other people to tell you that you are doing okay, the harder it becomes to actually feel okay. Yeah, that is wild.
💡 Quick Tip
Before you ask for someone’s opinion on a decision, pause and ask yourself: “Do I want their input, or do I want their permission?” If it is permission, that is your cue to decide on your own.
The validation you are looking for from other people is the validation you are not giving yourself. That is the whole thing. That is the root. And until you address that, you will keep handing your power to anyone who gives you a thumbs up.
How to Stop Seeking Validation From Others
Okay, so how do you actually stop? Because “just love yourself” is not a strategy, and I am not going to give you fluff. Let me break down what really works.
First, you have to name whose validation you are chasing. Is it your mom? Your ex? That one coworker who always seems to have it together? Your boss? Write the names down. You cannot break a pattern you have not identified. Most women are chasing validation from one or two specific people, not the whole world.
Second, you have to practice making decisions without announcing them. Start small. Pick a restaurant without asking the group chat. Wear the outfit without polling your friends. Say “I will think about it” instead of “let me see what everyone else thinks.” The more you practice trusting yourself, the less you need someone else to confirm you got it right.
What Happens When You Stop Chasing Validation:
✅ You make decisions faster because you are not waiting for a committee
✅ You stop over-explaining yourself to people who do not deserve an explanation
✅ You attract relationships where you are valued for who you are, not who you perform to be
✅ You reclaim hours of mental energy you were spending on what other people thought
Third, you have to get comfortable with being misunderstood. This is the hard part. Some people will not clap for your choices. Some will question them. Some will straight up dislike them. And that is fine. Your life is not a group project. You do not need consensus to move forward.
Validation from others is a loan. Self-validation is ownership.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Validation
Here is the insider truth: the people you are seeking validation from are not thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. They are too busy worrying about their own validation. That is the irony.
You are replaying that comment you made in the meeting, convinced everyone noticed how awkward it was. Meanwhile, everyone else is replaying their own awkward moments. Nobody is keeping score of you the way you think they are. You are free. You just have to act like it.
“You are not being judged as much as you are being ignored. And that is actually good news.”
The other truth? The people whose validation you are chasing are often not even qualified to judge you. Your aunt who never built a business has opinions about yours. Your coworker who has never negotiated a raise has thoughts about your salary ask. Why are you letting unqualified people weigh in on qualified decisions?
You have to start filtering whose validation actually matters. And spoiler: the list should be very short. Like, three people max. And even they should only get to speak into specific areas of your life, not all of it.
What to Do When You Catch Yourself Seeking Validation
You are going to slip up. You are going to catch yourself asking for approval when you do not need it. That is okay. The goal is not perfection. The goal is awareness.
When you notice yourself seeking validation, pause. Ask yourself three questions:
1. What am I really afraid of here? Usually it is rejection, looking foolish, or being alone in a decision.
2. What would I do if nobody was watching? That answer is usually the right one.
3. Whose voice am I actually hearing? Is it yours, or is it your mom’s, your ex’s, or that one friend who always has a critique?
💡 Quick Tip
Keep a note on your phone called “Things I Did Without Asking.” Every time you make a decision without seeking validation first, add it to the list. Watch it grow. That list is proof you can trust yourself.
The Validation You Actually Need
Here is what I need you to understand: you are not broken for wanting validation. You are human. But the source matters. When you get your validation from within, it does not disappear when someone withdraws their approval. It does not fluctuate based on who liked your post. It is steady. It is yours.
Start building your own validation system. Celebrate your own wins before you post them. Write down what you are proud of at the end of each day. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to your best friend. That is not corny. That is survival.
And here is the bonus: when you stop needing external validation, you actually start getting more of it. Not because you are chasing it, but because confidence is magnetic. People are drawn to women who do not need them. That is the plot twist nobody tells you.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
Start Here
Here is your one action for today: pick one decision you have been sitting on, and make it without asking anyone’s opinion. Not your mom. Not your friends. Not the group chat. Just you.
It can be small. What you are having for dinner. What you are wearing tomorrow. Whether you are going to apply for that job. Just decide, and sit with the discomfort of not getting a round of applause for it. That discomfort is you building a muscle.
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