“You can’t go back and give your younger self the parent she needed. But you can become that parent now — and she’s still in there waiting for you.”
So nobody ever taught you how to do this adulting thing properly, and now you’re realizing you have to raise yourself. That’s reparenting. Not a buzzword, not therapy-speak — it’s the work of giving yourself the guidance, safety, and care you didn’t get the first time around.
Maybe your mom was checked out. Maybe your dad was there physically but not emotionally. Maybe they did their best but their best left you with money anxiety, people-pleasing, or the belief that rest has to be earned. Whatever it is, you’re grown now, and you’re the one who has to fill in the gaps.
That’s not a punishment. That’s actually power. Let’s get into it.
What Reparenting Actually Means (And What It Doesn’t)
Let’s clear something up first. Reparenting is not blaming your parents for everything. It’s not sitting in a circle journaling about your childhood forever. And it’s definitely not about being dramatic or ungrateful.
Reparenting is recognizing that the skills nobody taught you — how to regulate your emotions, how to set boundaries, how to comfort yourself when you’re scared, how to celebrate yourself when nobody else does — you have to teach yourself now. You become the parent you needed.
For some women, that means learning to say no without feeling guilty. For others, it’s about finally handling their money instead of avoiding their bank app like it owes them an apology. For a lot of us, it’s about stopping the cycle of chasing validation from people who will never give it.
💡 Quick Tip
Start small. Pick ONE area where you feel the most “unparented” — money, boundaries, self-care, emotional regulation — and focus there first. Trying to fix everything at once is how you burn out and give up. Reparenting is a practice, not a one-time event.
Here’s the truth: most of us weren’t raised by parents who knew how to regulate their own nervous systems, let alone teach us how to regulate ours. They were surviving. And now you’re in a season where you want more than survival — you want to actually thrive.
That means you have to be the one to break the cycle. Not because it’s fair. Because it’s necessary.
💊 What Works: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab – This book is a game-changer for women learning how to say no without explaining themselves to death. It gives you actual scripts and language for setting boundaries with family, partners, and coworkers. If you struggle with people-pleasing, this is required reading.
How to Actually Start Reparenting Yourself
Okay, so what does reparenting look like in real life? It’s not abstract. It shows up in specific, everyday moments.
It looks like talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a scared kid. When you’re anxious about a work presentation, instead of calling yourself stupid or dramatic, you say: “You’re nervous because this matters to you. That’s okay. You’ve handled hard things before, and you’ll handle this too.” That’s reparenting. You’re soothing yourself the way a good parent would.
It looks like feeding yourself properly even when nobody’s watching. Not skipping lunch because you’re “too busy.” Not surviving on coffee and vibes. Sitting down and eating a real meal because you deserve nourishment. That sounds simple, but if you grew up in chaos, you probably learned to neglect your body’s basic needs. Reparenting is honoring them.
It looks like handling your finances instead of avoiding them. Checking your bank account even when you’re scared. Making a budget even though it feels boring. Saving for retirement even though it feels far away. These are parenting moves. You’re taking care of future you the way a responsible parent would.
Signs You’re Reparenting Yourself Well:
✅ You can sit with a hard emotion without immediately numbing it with food, shopping, or your phone
✅ You set a boundary and don’t spiral into guilt for hours afterward
✅ You celebrate your wins instead of immediately minimizing them
✅ You rest without needing to “earn” it first
✅ You ask for help instead of pretending you’re fine
None of this happens overnight. And you’re going to mess up. You’re going to have days where you revert to old patterns — where you people-please, or avoid your feelings, or spend money you don’t have to feel better for five minutes.
That’s not failure. That’s just being human. The point of reparenting isn’t perfection. It’s practice.
You are not behind. You are becoming.
The Truth Nobody Tells You About Reparenting
Here’s the part that feels uncomfortable: reparenting yourself can be lonely. Especially if your family doesn’t get it.
You might start setting boundaries and suddenly your mom is offended. You might stop people-pleasing and your friends act weird. You might start prioritizing yourself and someone calls you selfish.
Let me tell you something: that’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong. That’s a sign you’re doing it right. When you stop playing the role everyone expected you to play, the people who benefited from your people-pleasing will resist. That’s on them, not you.
“Reparenting yourself means you stop waiting for an apology that may never come — and you give yourself permission to heal anyway.”
Another thing nobody tells you: reparenting doesn’t mean you have to cut off your family. You can love your parents AND acknowledge that they didn’t give you everything you needed. Both things can be true. You can have compassion for their limitations AND still do the work to heal from them.
This is especially true for Black and brown women, who are often expected to be the strong ones, the caretakers, the ones who hold everything together. Reparenting yourself in that context is radical. It’s saying: I matter too. My needs matter too. I’m allowed to take care of myself, not just everyone else.
That’s not selfish. That’s survival. And honestly, it’s the most loving thing you can do — for yourself and for the people who depend on you.
What Reparenting Looks Like in Your Career and Money
Let’s get practical. Reparenting isn’t just about emotions. It shows up in how you move through your career and handle your finances too.
In your career: If you grew up without someone advocating for you, you probably learned to shrink. To not ask for the raise. To accept the first offer. To stay quiet in meetings because you don’t want to seem “too much.” Reparenting means you become your own advocate. You ask for what you’re worth. You negotiate. You speak up even when your voice shakes.
With your money: If you grew up in scarcity, you might have a complicated relationship with money — either you hoard it out of fear, or you spend it the moment it comes in because it never felt safe to keep. Reparenting means you learn to manage money with intention. You create a budget. You build an emergency fund. You stop letting fear or impulse drive your decisions.
💡 Quick Tip
Open a separate savings account and name it something that reminds you what you’re building toward — “Future Me,” “Peace of Mind,” “Exit Fund.” Every time you transfer even $20, you’re reinforcing that you’re the kind of person who takes care of herself. That’s reparenting in action.
The point is: reparenting isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about building a life that reflects the care you deserved all along. It’s about becoming the adult who shows up for you — consistently, reliably, without conditions.
How to Handle the Hard Days
Some days are going to be harder than others. You’re going to have moments where you feel like a scared kid in an adult body, overwhelmed and unsure. Here’s what to do in those moments:
1. Name what you’re feeling. “I’m scared.” “I’m overwhelmed.” “I feel alone.” Naming it takes away some of its power. It’s the first step to soothing yourself.
2. Ask yourself what you need. Not what you should do. What do you need? A hug? A nap? A walk? A conversation with someone who gets it? Give yourself permission to meet that need.
3. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to someone you love. If your best friend came to you feeling exactly how you feel right now, what would you say to her? Say that to yourself. That’s reparenting.
💊 What Works: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – If you’ve been through trauma (and most of us have, even if we don’t call it that), this book helps you understand how your body holds onto stress and how to start releasing it. It’s heavy but necessary if you want to go deeper in your reparenting work.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Here’s what I want you to hear: reparenting yourself is hard work. It’s lonely sometimes. It’s messy. And you’re going to need support.
That might mean therapy. It might mean a support group. It might mean a community of women who get it — who are doing the same work, who understand what it’s like to raise yourself when nobody showed you how.
You don’t have to figure this out by yourself. You weren’t meant to. Humans are wired for connection, and healing happens in community. Find your people. Let them hold you up when you’re tired. Let them remind you who you’re becoming when you forget.
This is the kind of stuff women talk about inside TechMae every single day. No judgment, just real ones keeping it real.
Related: This post is a must-read for women on their journey.
Start Here
If you’re ready to start reparenting yourself but don’t know where to begin, here’s your first step: Pick one area where you feel the most unparented, and commit to one small action this week.
If it’s money, open that savings account. If it’s boundaries, practice saying no to one small thing. If it’s self-care, schedule one thing that’s just for you and protect it like it’s a meeting with your CEO.
Your Reparenting Action Plan:
✅ Identify the gap: What did you need as a kid that you didn’t get? (Safety? Validation? Structure? Emotional support?)
✅ Choose one practice: What’s one thing you can do this week to give yourself that thing now?
✅ Write it down: Put it somewhere you’ll see it. Remind yourself daily.
✅ Tell someone: Share it with a friend or in a community. Accountability helps.
✅ Celebrate the effort: Did it once? That counts. That’s reparenting.
You might also love this article – one of our most shared.
And listen — you’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re not too much or not enough. You’re a woman who’s doing the hard, holy work of raising herself. That’s not weakness. That’s strength.
You’re becoming the parent you needed. And that little girl inside you? She’s proud of you. She’s been waiting for you. And she’s so glad you showed up.
This Is Your Sign to Stop Doing It Alone
Women inside TechMae have been exactly where you are. Come find your people.
